Hello folks. Sorry it’s
been a while. Everything fell apart
(including me) in a rather catastrophic and impressive fashion last week and I’m
sure anything I posted would have consisted of moans, sobs and sniffles. However, I have now bounced back (ish) and
will proudly present you with the facts of the matter without added melancholy although,
probably more than likely, with a smattering of indignation.
I didn’t commit to paper the excitement and apprehension we
felt after our meeting last Monday (which is probably for the best...). We were talked through the children’s past
history and behaviours...occasional biting, sleep issues, a bit
clingy...nothing we hadn’t expected given that we have done tons of reading on
the implications of neglect and domestic violence and also spoken to lots of
current adopters. So no big shocks at all. We were there in the meeting waiting for the
fact which would pop out and make us say; “whoa there, hold on a sec...” but it
never came. The social worker complimented
us on our child focused attitude to adoption and said it was great that we
understood that they would come with issues and wanted to work with them rather
than try to forget they had a past. She
praised us for our extensive reading and the whole meeting was very open (or so
we thought). I said that I was looking
to take two years off and the social workers smiled at each other like this was
very positive. Then I asked if they thought
we would make good parents for these children and they said; “you have a lot of
the skills needed to be good parents for these children” and I said; “OK then,
what happens next?” and they said “Well, we arrange meetings with the medical
advisor and it could be about three months...[then our social worker
said]...much sooner than that, I think”.
Then they showed us photographs and proudly looked on and asked us how
we felt. We didn’t really know what to
feel but we felt quite in awe of the fact that these were going to be our
children. And that was that. They said they would call that afternoon to
confirm the next steps. Wow, we
thought. We are going to be parents
really bloody soon! Then the social worker
called on Monday afternoon and said that she hadn’t been able to talk to her
manager so she would call me on Thursday or Friday. And that was Monday. Rightly or wrongly I assumed this was go, go,
go (wouldn’t you?) and let my close friends and family know (the ones who had
been references on our PAR) and also emailed school as I am very conscious of
keeping them in the loop as they won’t have long to find my replacement.
So cue Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday where I go out and
have jolly lunches with my chums and their kids only this time my brain is
saying “wow...you’re not far off the Mummy club now!” So it all sort of feels different and
exciting and scary but kind of wonderful because it’s what we’ve been working
towards for so long.
And then Thursday comes and at 3.30 I get the phone call
(the one I’m expecting to be confirming the appointments with the medical
advisor etc) and I’m in the park in the sunshine with my friend and her two
children. Our social worker says “how
are you feeling?” I say...“well, I don’t know if I’m allowed to be completely
excited”...she says...“oh...” and then I can’t remember her exact words but it
was something along the lines of “the children’s social worker has decided it’s
not a good match”.
Oh
Bugger
Now I feel a mixture of crushed, sad, stupid, over-excitable
and about 0.5mm tall. I also wish that
the playground would swallow me up and send me away from all the cheerful mums
and kids. I can’t really remember the
rest of the conversation as I was just so shocked. The meeting had gone really well, they had
shown us the photographs, they had told us it would be much less than three
months and now...bang. So I can’t
clearly remember the conversation we had but effectively what I took from it
was “we don’t think you can manage these two children when you’re at home on
your own”. I felt like someone had
stamped on me repeatedly and it physically hurt. I tried to keep normal until my lovely friend
and her kids had gone home but then I just melted down. I felt like they were saying I couldn’t do
it...I couldn’t be a good parent. She
said it was nothing to do with the meeting and that they definitely hadn’t withheld
any information but that the children’s social worker felt I wouldn’t be able
to cope and that they wanted what was best for everyone and that wasn’t for the
adoption to break down. So in my mind I’m
thinking...but all they had were some fairly minor behavioural issues (we
questioned this during the meeting and they confirmed it), and they were two
smiley, sociable children, and we can’t cope with them. Well I’m thinking, clearly we will never be
matched then, because I’m not good enough to manage. I was in a state, I’m not going to lie about
it. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t stop
sobbing because I blamed myself and I felt like I had let me, my partner and
these children down. So that was Thursday
and Friday. Not great. Not proud of that, not trying to be
melodramatic, just trying to be honest.
Oh yes, and that phone call was the last thing our social
worker did before going on holiday for a week.
On Friday our old social worker called (we text to say what
had happened) to say that she was quite shocked as on paper it seemed like a
really good match. These are the two children
they have been talking about for us since before our panel. I said I couldn’t figure it out. I just kept going over it in my head...they
said it wasn’t the meeting...they said it wasn’t that the children were
different to what they had said...so what was it? Anyway, she advised me to call the adoption
services manager (who is lovely) so I did, and that’s finally how I managed to
get to this point. A point where I can
function and reason and look forward and write about what happened.
I explained to her that I felt totally crushed and devastated
because I didn’t understand what had happened and was blaming myself. She explained that it was the children’s social
worker’s first ever link and that on paper it had seemed like a really good
match but on talking to the children’s social worker it transpired that the
children’s behaviour was much more challenging and demanding than the CPR
stated. That they were violently clingy
etc. although she admitted that it wasn’t her case so she didn’t know
everything about it. She said (as did
our other social worker) that they feel our primary skill is as nurturers, so
we are better suited to more withdrawn children. One of my friends worries that this is
slightly homophobic, as they are seeing us both as “mothers” rather than co-parents
with different skills. I’m not
sure. I said to the manager that we felt
like everything they kept saying about us being nurturers was a sort of code
for us not being resilient, and that it sounded like an insult and she said
that it was just that some children are a better fit for some people than other
children and these ones didn’t seem like the best fit for us. She apologised, she said that they shouldn’t
really have matched us in the first place.
I made it clear that we weren’t upset because these particular children
wouldn’t be our children, we were upset because on Monday we were very firmly
led to believe that we would be parents very soon and they waited until
Thursday to tell us that we weren’t.
They shouldn’t have left that meeting on such a positive if they had
doubts; they shouldn’t have shown us the photographs; they should have asked us
directly about the behaviour they felt I couldn’t manage and they definitely
shouldn’t have let us spend three days feeling positive and excited about our
imminent parenthood only to tell us it was all off and not really explain
why. Especially when the reason why is
that they have cocked up, not us. They messed up the match, they behaved
inappropriately in the meeting and it seems like they have made massive
assumptions about our personalities which we worry aren’t really true. But despite all this, I still feel inclined
to trust that they understand matching better than I do. It’s their job and I’m not going to believe
or argue that these children were right for us; I believe them, they probably
weren’t, and that’s OK. Just don’t put
us through all of this, please. Because
we’re not even parents yet and we feel like our confidence has been totally
squashed.
So that’s that. That
was the last couple of weeks with my OH’s grandma’s funeral and an engagement
party thrown in for good measure. I have
two weeks left of school holidays and I’m not really sure what to do with
myself. We have a meeting with our
social worker next week and I wonder what we will say. I’ll let you know. Three months from our approval panel is fast
approaching which means the national adoption register looms. I don’t know from experience but it sounds
like when you are looking for a house, and they send you masses and masses of
details which aren’t right, and then when one finally is right, the sellers
choose someone else. It seems like a
lonely old process fraught with rejection and negative assumptions made without
even talking to you, let alone meeting you.
I had really hoped that we would be matched in house and not get that
far but you can’t win them all. Our adoption
journey has been fairly painless up until now so I guess it was going to happen
at some point.
Sorry that was so long!
I hope it wasn’t too down in the dumps and angry! I do feel cross now. I feel like I’m mostly healed but all this
emotion makes you seriously physically tired!
I need to get off the sofa, get dressed and have some
breakfast! xx
