Wednesday, 13 June 2012


So...we did it! It was a nerve wracking panel with some quite tricky questions. Not wishing to blow my own trumpet but our social worker said that one of the panel said that he wished he lived with us, and that we were one of the best sets of adopters they had had through in ages! Hurrah! We are excited but totally pooped now! So for those of you who are interested here is a summary of the questions and our answers: You said in your report that you have not really faced prejudice in the past, how will you deal with prejudice when you face it in the future, especially with a child? I said that I would do what I do at school when the children make unfounded and bizarre comments and question why they thought that.  That usually works quite well.  We also said that we are just normal people who happen to be lesbians and this wouldn't change...and that's why we haven't faced prejudice in the past.  Because when people meet us they realise that we are not evil demons but just normal, nice people, and one of our friends said that we turned her homophobic father into a gay loving open minded person! Hurrah! How will you deal with it if your child is bullied for having two mums? We said we would try and bring them up to be resilient so that they would know that if they were bullied then the bullies were at fault and not them.  We also said that we would contact the school if we needed to. We would encourage our children to talk to us and we might rehearse what they would say to someone who asked them a question about having two mummies.  We said that it is normal for children to ask questions and be curious and that's ok and we gave the example of someone we has met through NfS whose son said "my birth mum wasn't very good at being a mum so now I have two brilliant dads." You are very calm people so how would you cope with an aggressive or violent child.  You have said that this is not something you will consider but it could develop. I said that we would not be afraid to seek expert help if we needed it, that sometimes that is the way forward.  I said that it would be very hard but we would have to persevere.  L said that we would try and find out why the child was so angry and sort out the cause of the behaviour. You said that you would be unable to support a child with an existing faith. We said that we were open minded about religion and will support our child in exploring religion.  We have lots of religious friends. But we could not support a child who was expecting us to go to church with them every Sunday as we felt this was hypocritical of us.  But that we are open minded about religion and want to teach our child about different faiths and religious celebrations. J, I was pleased to see that you didn't rebel as a teenager.  How would you cope if you had a teenager who came home with a shaved head and a tattoo? I said that I worked with teenagers every day and I felt that treating them like adults, calmly but with clear consequences, worked very well indeed.  I said that I thought there were worse things they could do than shave their head, although it might be quite embarrassing when we go shopping!  We said that they need to express themselves and if that's the way they choose to do it, that's OK.  We wouldn't scream and shout but would let them know that they are safe and loved and that it would be hard but we would do our best. Sometimes teenagers behave very differently at home and at school. I said that yes, in my experience they do, but that in my experience in the boarding house I had learned to deal with both sides.  I also said that we had talked a lot about our children being teenagers because of the adoption process.  Much more than most parents. We felt overwhelmingly that we want our children to feel safe and like they can talk to us and would try to keep calm and not engage in power struggles with them. You seem like very calm and nurturing people, how will you cope if you are rejected by your child? I said that it would clearly be really hard and we would find it difficult and from talking to other adopters it seems to be quite common.  We would do our best and keep trying but not smother them, make sure we were meeting their needs and keeping them safe, and then let them come to us. We said that we would support each other and do our best but that it would be a very difficult time. Our social worker then said that she thought we would be very good at finding creative ways to engage, nurture and build attachment. How would you cope if they used food as a power struggle, for example refusing to eat. I said we were going to get them to engage with cooking and preparing food from an early age but if they are using food as a power struggle the best thing to do is not to engage in it and make it an issue.  So that's it. Done! Now we just have to wait for a call and then we will know more! What an experience. We gave our social worker a little hamper of homemade cakes and biscuits and she gave us a big hug. We were so lucky with our social worker and will miss her loads! We are going to keep her posted and send her photos etc. And I will keep you lot posted too! We did it! X

No comments:

Post a Comment