Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Meeting birth mum and intros planning.

We met with birth mum this week and it was easily one of the hardest, and yet most valuable things I think I have ever done.

She was crying when we went in to the room, but we managed to talk gently about "not much at all" until she was calmer and more able to talk to us.

I think it made me even more aware of where our daughter as come from and that it will always be a part of her, that her birth mum will always be out there, and will always think of our daughter as her daughter.  But that's OK.  And I honestly feel like I don't mind if in hr heart she still believes she is Mummy, because I know that I will be our daughter's mummy because I will share her life with her.  But if our daughter wants to explore where she came from, and explore the part of herself for which she has no memories, then I want to help her do that.  I don't want her to have gaping, mysterious holes in her early life history.  We made it very clear to birth mum that we wanted to share her story with our daughter and to make sure that she had a good understanding of who she is and where she came from.

I suspect that's a bit of a ramble.  But I honestly do believe that life story work is so hugely important; much as it is helpful for birth mum to know that her daughter will know she exists; it's far more important to me that our daughter knows about her birth family for her, and the fact that it helps birth mum is just an extension of that.

Birth mum asked us a few questions, but she might email more via her social worker as she was a bit unsure.  She did say that she was very happy that her daughter was being adopted by two women but she was worried about bullying, and we talked to her about that.  She asked us how we were going to parent and we talked about outdoors and fun and exploratio and learning through doing.

It was a very positive meeting.  It ended on a high, with a happy photograph for the life story book and it did go really well.  I just feel like I have run a marathon today!  I was choosing my words very carefully as I so wanted everything to go well, and thankfully it did.

So then we went and picked up a high chair :D


And we had our intros planning.  Ten days from 1 1/2 hours on the first day to day ten when we take her home!  I can't wait!  And we are meeting her in person for a "viewing" in a few days time.

What an emotional wreck I am!  It has been a rollercoaster few days.  The tears from the meeting today havent quite surfaces yet.  I'm waiting for it to happen.  It's just so sad that this young woman had her three children taken away because she was so squashed by life that she wasn't able to parent them. I hope she can pick up and move on and do more with her life now.  I'm really hoping for positive contact letters but we will see.

Right. Time to drink a cup of tea and breathe!


Aaaaand.....breathe!  Calm.....calm thoughts!



Thursday, 13 December 2012



Sorry I didn't post yesterday.  I wasn't really in the right mood to sit down and be pensive.  However today I just typed bee (as in, buzzy) instead of be, so I might not be much better now but I'll make some attempt!

Panel went really well.  We spent a long time a few weeks ago writing answers to the questions we were asked for her report and it certainly paid off.  They said that because the information we had provided was so comprehensive they only had three questions for us.

1. Did we understand that there was a degree of uncertainty around LO's development and paternal history?

erm...yes, we understand, we're ok with it, we'll do our best and love her whatever.

2. What would we do if we felt we needed someone at home for longer than one year?

erm...we would have someone at home for longer than a year!

3. How will you cope when she is a grumpy teen?

well, she might not be!  Hopefully our good parenting [we hope] will pay off!  But if she is a grumpy teen we will love her anyway.  We will try and make sure she is happy and can talk to us and feels like we are a family where it's OK to make mistakes.  And other ramblings by me...I rambled quite a lot on this one!

And then we showed our intros stuff.
  • Tomy talking photo album (seriously embarrassing)
  • Cute little buggy book with our pictures in
  • Fuzzy photo cube with our pictures on
  • Mommy, momma and me
  • A DVD we made too.
They *loved* it!  The chairman had to tell everyone to be quiet as they were cooing over everything so enthusiastically!  So that was nice.  Made us feel like we had done something right even though we didn't have any help/guidance from SS the lovely, knowledgable wise owls over at New Family Social gave us lots of ideas and we used all of them!

So that was it.  We went out for 5 minutes, came back in and they announced that we are going to be mums!

I've just finished my last day at school.

I'm actually going to be a mummy!

And....wait for it.....




So exciting!  Proper intros won't start until after new year but they are still looking at starting as early as possible.

But it's still only a might for the "viewing" next week which is what they are very weirdly calling it.

So strange.

But I don't care because I'm going to be one of two very happy mums!

I have just invested in a pair of Grubbies dungarees, a Hatley raincoat and a twilight turtle.  Must avoid buying too much ridiculous rubbish....I don't think any of these are excessive.  She's going to need them for all the fun we're going to have!  I'm getting a zoo pass for Christmas!


Sorry.  I'm a wee bit excited!

We are having a party on Saturday and all the wonderful people who have helped and supported us along the way will be there.  So great.  I'm really looking forward to it!

Happy, happy days!

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Matching panel tomorrow...

So here we are, matching panel tomorrow...crazy times.

It's been well over a year since I started this blog and I can't believe how close we are now.

The medical adviser told us some of the questions they are likely to ask us
  • Is there anything we are worried about?
  • Do we understand that there is some uncertainly surrounding her past?
  • How will we cope when she is a hideous teenager?
  • Why do we think we will make good parents for her?
We have chatted about all of these so hopefully will have strong answers but hopefully the panel will like them.  Bloody hell, it's so scary!

We love her already and she's not ours yet.  There is still a chance it could be game over and then what will happen...happen to her and happen to us?  So scary.  But so exciting too!  In less than 24 hours we will know whether or not that gorgeous, smiley girl from the photographs will be our daughter...and then we can stop being scared and start being excited!

Just a short post as I want to collapse in a heap. I'm thinking Elf might be in order!


Monday, 3 December 2012

Getting "ready"

I'm not sure if we are premature in our preparations given that we haven't yet been to panel, but we are now "ready" for our new arrival.  We spent the weekend sorting out the room, unwrapping things we have bought and washing anything new in the same laundry liquid that the foster carer uses.  Her room looks really pretty.  I bought these alphabet wall stickers from chocovenyl:

So now her name is on the wall.  She's not old enough to know but it made me feel a real contrast to kids who are adopted and kids who are in foster care.  We have spent ages making a room which is hers and will feel like her space, which although it seems superficial, I think it's actually hugely important.  It's hard to feel special when you know that loads of other people have slept where you slept and used all the things you use. I'm becoming quite passionate about children in care and I wonder if my career will head in that direction at some point.  It's a massive leap from teaching in a private school but part of me feels like I want to do more than adopt one or two.

Talking of one or two.  Right now I can't imagine having two children.  I am so excited about being a three person family.  I am looking forward to there being two of us and one of her and we have so many close friends with children that I'm sure she will make some really strong relationships there.  I wonder if I will change my mind in a few years time...maybe!

I have been using my energy in ridiculous over planning!  Yes...I've written out the recipes for play dough and salt dough, laminated them and put them on my blackboard.  I've made a bag for junk modelling and given it a cute little (laminated - obv) label.  I'm hugely inspired by Anna over at:

Brilliant!  I now have a shopping list which includes huge amounts of salt.

Maybe when I'm busy mummying about I'll find inspiration to blog about the activities we do.  I'm so excited about all the things we will do together, and all the things we will introduce her to which she hasn't seen or done! Swimming, play dough, painting, chalk... so exciting.

I'm formulating a plan to be a mumtrepeneur.  I think that's what they call them.  Right now I have no idea what sort, and I suspect this may be a pipe dream, but I can dream!  If the mumtrepeneuring doesn't work out I will be back to work part time in a year....I suspect this is the most likely course of events! Still...I do love my job, I'm just already worrying about not being there to excite and stimulate our baby (and me!).

Still...there is plenty of time to worry about that!

Only a week and a bit until panel...and then Christmas and then...that gro-bag I've just washed won't be so shiny and new any more!

Take care everyone! x

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Visiting the foster carer.


We had our visit with the foster carer. She was very solid and organised but was also looking after a very young baby so has her hands full. We are very relieved that she has had such steady and reliable care during the first part of her life, but we are looking forward to getting her home to be able to do all of the things that there isn't quite time for at the moment, like swimming and painting and play dough and splashing in puddles!

We have been buying lots of bits on eBay and bought our car seat today. We are really getting prepared! At the weekend we will build the cot and really get her room ready.  She is coming with hundreds of toys! Her birth mum and dad have bought her so many, and seeing them all made me feel really sad. Sad that these people who are such a big part of her are trying to fill the gap in their lives with toys and trying to make their presence felt, but it never really will be. If that makes sense. I felt sad for them, and sad for our daughter. The foster carer has taken photographs of every set of birthday and Christmas presents and said who they are from.  She is going to make a scrap book and will bring it when she comes for her final visit. She seems very caring and kind.

We are so close now. Less than 2 weeks until panel and then introduction after Christmas.  My excitement means I can't focus at work and I'm just all over the place!  I'm an emotional nightmare! I just want to get her home and give her a cuddle and finally have a chat with her. Apparently she is very chatty!

So close!  But the days are going so slowly!

Will blog again when I'm less pooped!  We are in the middle of washing bedding and clothing in the same detergent as the foster carer uses....lots to do!

Take care, everyone! X

Monday, 19 November 2012

Broken the seal...oops


I'm writing that (broken the seal) and I'm not sure if it's an expression that everyone uses or not, but basically what it means is that once you have broken the seal, you can't stop but until then, you manage, somehow to contain yourself.

My other half bought a pair of dungarees from a charity shop, thus breaking the seal and now I have spiralled out of control in some kind of ebay clothing frenzy.  Somehow I justify it to myself that it is cheap, which it is, relative to buying new, but still....tut tut. At this point I have no idea what she needs or how big she is so frankly, I am being ridiculous.  But...the seal is be it!  Someone on NFS told me to stop worrying and start buying dungarees so I'm only taking their advice.   And me and my partner are constantly trying to justify these things to ourself...she needs that so she will feel like one of us (baby converse, once we know her size), she needs a bright and awesome coat so I can see her easily in the's all just ridiculous really.

But the long and short of the matter is that we have tipped over the edge into massively excited.  I have a charm bracelet with charms on it from significant events in my life and I've just taken the liberty of buying myself a little stork.  Yup..excited, and currently (although not for long) with a disposable income.  We are hemorrhaging cash at an alarming rate currently, but hopefully it will die down after a while.  I like to think I'm not massively materialistic but the trouble is, I'm quite into fashion and I want her to look cool and quirky...nightmare!

On a serious and less frivolous note we are meeting the medical adviser tomorrow and have come up with a huge list of questions, but not as huge as the list of questions we have for the foster carer next that is huge!  Hopefully they won't mind...I guess if they really care about her thenn they shouldn't do.

Two things to point you in the direction of.
1. sell board books which you can put your photos on which is fabulous for intros.
2. OMG these dungarees are just the coolest.  They are going to be my present for our new daughter (although actually for me...clearly she won't actually care) after matching panel.

Eurgh.  After all that excitement I just put myself on a downer thinking about matching panel.  It still could not happen or be delayed or something hideous.  That would be really bad now.  We are too far gone to be able to cope with that one effectively!  Let's hope our ridiculous amounts of planning, making into stuff and baby proofing means we can prove our worth (but then maybe they will say we're not spontaneous!)  Aaaargh!


Anyhow.  I hope you are all well.  I've been really surprised by the stats lately, lots of you seem to be following what we are up to.  Do say hello!  It's nice to know who is here.  I'll try and be a bit more regular in my postings now things are starting to happen.

Take care. x

Thursday, 15 November 2012


Adverb: out of the normal or correct position; askew.

This is me. Good word, awry.  I like words and I think this is just such an appropriate one.  I like it even more now I've looked up the definition.  I am out of normal and askew, but not necessarily in a bad way.  In one sense I'm so tired that I can barely hold up my own head, in another sense I know that my friends tell me you never new tired until you have kids.  In one sense I want to rush out and buy dungarees, in another sense I am trying to remain calm and realistic.  I'm not sure what I'm like at work. I sense that I might be waving my arms around and being slightly more random than usual.  Hopefully this is distracting and not hiding my general fatigue and lack of "with-it-ness"!

We had a talk at school from a motivational speaker this week and it made me boil with anger. Had I been there under my own steam I would have walked right out of there. Is was essentially the same old crap these people spout; self belief is all you need to succeed.  She seemed to firmly believe that having a goal at the age of 13 and believing she could do it was the sole reason she had achieved it.  I mean, I'm all for striving for your personal best, but clearly most of her success was down to luck, genes, timing and circumstances.  I just kept wondering how many people with the same dream at 13 got to live it?  Does she somehow think she deserved it more because she had more self belief?! What a load of rubbish.  It got me thinking about what you teach your kids...clearly I want our kids to have dreams and aspirations, but I want them to be happy more!  I think that sometimes these incredibly driven people are so focused on their goal that they never stop and notice all the brilliant things and experiences and people that there are in the world.  I kind of want to set up my own motivational speaking company where we talk about happiness and appreciation and flexibility of mind instead of the ridiculous self important single mindedness these "successful" people have.

Tsk.  That was an extension of my rant and only loosely connected to adoption!  Sorry!

So we are still waiting.  We have a countdown ap on our iPad!  We look at her picture every day and wonder if all adopters do that or if we are a bit mad.  We have made our introduction board book, photo cube and talking photo album.  We are childproofing. We are ready. In theory!  Can you ever really be ready, I wonder! And in just over a week we will visit where she lives right now, see her room and her things, but not her, and it will be so weird!  And then we will go back to work like nothing happened!

So, that's it. I am awry!  Happy, tired, emotional and excited.  Awry.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Guest post from Mama

Hello, Mama here. Mummy usually writes these but I felt like I wanted to write a few words on this blog so that we can read it back later and remember how we both were feeling.

Things are really starting to happen now: the social workers have emailed us copies of the photos of you that we saw when they first told us about you. The ones that I took one look at and thought “Wow, she’s our daughter, she belongs with us”.  We haven’t carried you in our tummies, we’re thankful to your birth mum for that, but I have been carrying you in my heart since then.  I also carry you on my phone!! I look at your pictures a lot and imagine what it will be like when you’re with us.

We have also had to write a statement to go with the papers at matching panel to say why we think we’d be good parents for you. We want to help you to be the best you can be and to navigate life’s difficult path. We know that you’ll probably be sad to leave your foster family, but we really hope that we can show you all the beauty in the world and have a fun time together.

Our paths are going to cross in two weeks’ time. We’re coming to your house to meet your foster family. You are going to go out for a while, so we won’t meet, but we’ll get to see your home, where you sleep, your toys, where you eat. You probably won’t realise, but maybe we can leave some of our energy behind – I wonder if it will register with you?

It’s really starting to hit home now that this is going to happen. I want it more than anything in the world, and I frequently well up in everyday situations because I’m living my life without you in it for the next two months. I do feel a bit scared though. I want you to know that Mummy and I are going to look after you and help you grow, and I want you to feel reassured that together we can do anything. I’m quite nervous about washing you, dressing you, feeding you and wrestling you into a buggy or car seat! I’m not really used to it, but I’m trying to have a positive mental attitude! We’ll all be getting used to each other, but I’m looking forward to us growing together.

See you soon x

Sunday, 21 October 2012

This one’s for you.

When my friend was pregnant with her lovely twins, her and her husband set up email addresses for them and emailed them before they were born (I think it was on a google advert or something).  I seem to remember that we emailed them too.  Anyway, that’s not really the point.  The point is that this blog post is for you.  I can’t write your name or say where you are, but one day I will show you this blog and you will know that before you knew us, or could even remember us; we were thinking of you.  We were opening our hearts up to you, preparing for your arrival and hoping that everything would go well and that the beautiful little girl we had heard so much about, and who was smiling at us from a pixelated photograph, would become our baby girl.  And we are hoping that it won’t take too long because all we want to do now is give you a cuddle.


We heard about you this week; that you are doing well and are happy and settled with your foster carers.  We worry that when we take you away from there you will feel sad inside, but we know and hope that it will be worth it for you because we will love you forever and without question.  We heard about your birth Mummy, your birth father and your half brother and sister.  We were told that your birth Mummy had heard about us, and that she was very accepting that you would have two Mummies instead of a Mummy and a Daddy. We felt really happy about this.  When we heard about your birth Mummy’s life we felt sad for her, horribly sad that she had not been given the skills she needed so that she could look after you when she so desperately wanted to.  It makes me feel really sad that the world is not able to look after people enough that they can learn how to be parents, and I do worry that our society lets people down time and time again.  After the social worker had gone, we shed quite a few tears.  Some for you, because we were full of anticipation for what the future could be, and some for your birth Mummy, because her life was nothing like a life should be, and it just feels terribly unfair.  But your birth Mummy brought you into the world, so that we could love you, and we will.


We are going to meet your birth Mummy in the next few months if everything goes well with the paperwork etc.  We will meet with the doctor to hear about your health, meet with your birth Mummy and if everything is sorted in time, a big panel of people will approve us to be your new parents.  The plan is that you could move in early next year.  I hope everything goes according to plan this time.  We are ready for you, and having heard so much about you, we can’t wait to meet you.


If something goes wrong again, you won’t get to read this.  You won’t ever know that there were two people who saw your photograph and cried on a sunny day in October.  We will hold a little bit of you with us and wonder about you, but you will never know how close we came to becoming your parents and how much we wanted to be and how, even though we hadn’t met you, we sort of loved you a little bit.


Your Mummy (that’s me) has a very vivid imagination and currently I’m not sleeping well because I’m full of wonder and hope and I keep imagining the future with you in it.  I’m trying not to.  I’m trying hard to close my heart and slow down my brain, to try and protect myself in case something goes wrong again.  And we don’t want to say so out loud, let alone in print, but somehow this time it feels so right.  We have always slightly mocked people who say their adopted children look like them, as that in itself is unimportant, but you look like our child, your beautiful smiling face just looks like it belongs with us, and we can’t wait to meet you and to be your parents.


We have two months to wait until panel.  We have another meeting next week where we might find out more and might get some more medical information.  Mama is pessimistic that panel will happen in December, Mummy (me) is optimistic.  I can’t help hoping and crossing fingers, toes, limbs, hairs that it will go right for us this time.


So I’m a mess!  I’m an emotional wreck who is eating too much and sleeping too little and for some reason we decided that this weekend should be the weekend we destroy our bathroom to fit a nice new one.  At least there will be a nice new one ready for when you arrive...if you arrive...There is a seed of doubt from my brain but my heart is having none of it.  I’m just going to have to carry on wishing on rainbows and shooting stars that the feeling I have in my heart means that things are going to go right this time and that the beautiful little child we know so much about is going to become our beautiful little daughter.



Sunday, 14 October 2012

Wishing on rainbows and shooting stars.

Just a quick post to let you know that we have been linked again. A little girl under the age of one. We feel blessed and excited because we never expected a child so young but we are wishing on rainbows and shooting stars that it goes well this time.

Meeting this week to go over the CPR with our social worker and then...who knows.

Looks like it could be two mums one kid. But we are happy with that.

Something feels right this time, but who knows whether I can trust my feelings.

I'm just keeping all my fingers and toes crossed.

Feel free to cross things or wish on things or pray for things for us. Or not, as you like.

Hope you are all well. X

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Sad elephants!


Last night something was obviously tapping against our bedroom window and I had a weird, vivid dream that a stork was outside. I'm hoping it's prophetic but I suspect not. Anyhow, it put me in mind of this song from Dumbo and at the moment, my partner and I feel really rather like the wistful elephant!

Our social worker called over a week ago to say that they were just about to have a meeting and she couldn't remember..we did still want a little one didn't we?  And we didn't mind if it was one.  I called her on Monday to try and find out more...was told to call back on Thursday to find out more...and then we were told there was still no news so she would be in touch next week.  Apparently the children's social workers have our PARs but that is all we know.  Presumably this is promising and at least it means they are thinking about us.  I'm hopeful that we might hear something this week.  The fact that I am hopeful is wonderful in itself as hope has been rather low on my list of most frequent emotions lately! School is busy and mad but I'm managing.  I'm still hoping we will hear something soon as this is so hard! This waiting is just so unbelievably hard...I can't even begin to explain!  We are so ready. We are always looking up at the sky like the hopeful elephant and then hanging our heads and feeling rather wistful.

Ho hum...

I will keep you posted.

In other news, two people from our prep course have been matched! It all happened in about a month and we are so happy for them! So if you are also a prospective adopter reading this, the is hope! It isn't all bad and sad!

Take care all....I'm off to make flapjack and hum the Mr Stork song...crazy much?!

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

A bit like a yoyo


Sorry I’ve not been as regular with my blogging as I might be.  I’ve been rather up and down lately.  Sometimes I forget things and feel happy and then other times I just feel overwhelmingly tired and saddened by it all.  I’ve only got three days left of my holiday now before I go back to the madness of school.  I’m sure it will be good to be busy again but I’m worried about coping with all of this going on as well as my full on teaching job.  I guess I should just snap out of it, stop worrying and get a grip!

We have been spending our pain a bit....oops.  I just bought an SLR camera which is something I’ve always wanted but never felt like I could quite buy.  It’s very cool and I’m planning to learn how to use it properly so I can take some really good photos.  Spending your pain is a bit of a temporary fix though but I figure as long as we are not spending more than we have then it’s OK.  We’ve been saving up for ages and now have fallen off the wagon a bit as I guess we both feel like we’re not saving for anything anymore.  And that in itself is just stupid...because clearly we will be matched at some point.  I think we are just both feeling rather wounded and negative about things.  Friends of ours have been approved for 1 ½ years and still no match and they are just lovely, wonderful people so I don’t understand why they have been kept waiting for so long.  It doesn’t make sense.  Which makes me worry that for all our support network, reading, preparation etc etc, it still could take forever.

I’m sorry.  Putting things on paper makes me realise how much of a big old whinger I’m being.  I’m not really that “woe is me”...well, I sort of am...sorry!  I really should get over myself.  Some of the people over on New Family Social have been through a whole lot worse with matches that were days before matching panel breaking up.  At least we didn’t get that far.

We took the opportunity to decorate our bedroom over the bank holiday weekend.  It is now no longer dingy beigey cream but a lovely shade of white with a Wedgewood blue wall.  It is nice that we have done it because it made us feel productive and also now we have a lovely relaxing space.  We thought it would be doomed to remain dull, dark cream forever so that’s a big positive.

We signed up to  I think it’s probably a bit premature but I just really wanted to do something proactive.  I suppose on some level it makes me feel better to know that we are doing something as I’m not very good at just sitting back and waiting.  It’s hard though, as the main thing you have to go on is the picture of the child (a bit like an estate agent) and that just seems a bit wrong.  I prefer the way the agency does it where they give you all the info first and you make a proper decision rather than starting it in such a superficial way with the strange emotional link that a photograph gives you.

Oh.  I haven’t told you about the meeting with our social worker last week.  She has restored our faith in her and reassured us that she is on our side.  It seems like the cock up with the agency was bigger than we realised and so really she was the wrong person to call us and break the bad news because she didn’t have the authority to apologise on behalf of her colleagues or the authority which is why she couldn’t really explain fully what had happened.  She only called us on Thursday afternoon before she went on holiday because really she was calling on behalf of the managers and the children’s social workers.  We were right about some negative assumptions though.  They had noted that our house was really tidy (clearly...there were social workers coming!) and apparently felt like our house would not be good for chaotic children as they would wreck the place and we wouldn’t be able to cope.  I mean...really!  Clearly our house isn’t currently covered in toys and vomit but we don’t have any children yet so it would be a bit strange if it was.  Our house is tidy(ish) but not *that* tidy.  I mean we do have things out on the side and our sink doesn’t have a mirror shine!  What do they want from you?  How do they expect your house to be?!  Luckily last time the twins came round, one of them spilled milk on the carpet so now there is a small stain...maybe that means they will think we will make better parents!  But I have been nesting 100% of my time for weeks!  I’m on “holiday”, what do they expect?!  What a bunch of crazies!  I can’t believe that they make these assumptions about you from your home decor...haven’t they ever seen “Through the Keyhole?” no-one ever got it right, did they?!

On some level it is nice to know that it is the system at fault and not us, but it doesn’t help too much when you know that this is the system you have to use to find your family.  But even this crazy old system seems less scary than heading off and trying to find a family on your own.  I much prefer the idea of being matched in house as at least social workers have knowledge and experience of matching.  I’ve never chosen a child before so I don’t really know what I’m looking for!

Ooh.  This blog is making me feel better!  Thanks anonymous readers, whoever you are.  I’m on the sofa in my pyjamas again.  Somehow you guys have given me the get up and go to get up and get some breakfast.  Well done, you!

I do believe that our children are out there.  I suppose we are worried that this mess up has wasted us time, which it has, but not that much time.  We are young!  And we should be enjoying our time as a couple and making the most of not having children and we are in a way but it’s peppered with sadness and hollow purchasing to try and make us feel better.  If we hadn’t had this link, we would feel funny and apprehensive but not in the same way.  I had fully imagined that I would only be back at school for a month or so, and what an exciting month it would be.  I had imagined Christmas and I had imagined trips out with my friends who are already mummies and I can’t un-imagine it.  I wish I could.  No...maybe I don’t.  Getting excited and getting ready and looking forward to being a parent is part of who I am and I don’t want to be a person who doesn’t do those things.  Unfortunately it just makes it harder now because the near future isn’t going to be what I thought it would be.

It makes you think though.  All these emotions I’m having.  I am constantly on a knife edge between coping and not coping.  Merrily getting on with things and then welling up and having to stop.  I’m getting there.  There is more merriment and coping than there was.  But my point was.  I’m an adult.  I’m an adult who has been through crap before and coped and managed and come out the other end more than usually perky and OK.  But these kids...they’re just kids and the amount of crap they have to go through before they get to their forever families and not just when they are with their birth families but in the “care” system too.  It makes me realise that though this path we are taking has brought us a huge amount of pain lately, it will be worth it in the end, not just for us, but for the children that eventually become a part of our family.

Another long one.  Congratulations for making it through to the end.  Maybe I should start putting summaries at the beginning.  “Feeling a bit sad.  Getting there.  Worried about going back to school. Social worker better than we thought. Will be worth it in the end”.  I’m not sure it quite gets across the same message though.  I love words.  I love the way they can make you feel so much less crap.

Hope that wasn’t too much of a snivvely moan bag of a blog!  TTFN! x

Friday, 17 August 2012

It's all gone Pete Tong!

Hello folks.  Sorry it’s been a while.  Everything fell apart (including me) in a rather catastrophic and impressive fashion last week and I’m sure anything I posted would have consisted of moans, sobs and sniffles.  However, I have now bounced back (ish) and will proudly present you with the facts of the matter without added melancholy although, probably more than likely, with a smattering of indignation.

I didn’t commit to paper the excitement and apprehension we felt after our meeting last Monday (which is probably for the best...).  We were talked through the children’s past history and behaviours...occasional biting, sleep issues, a bit clingy...nothing we hadn’t expected given that we have done tons of reading on the implications of neglect and domestic violence and also spoken to lots of current adopters.  So no big shocks at all.  We were there in the meeting waiting for the fact which would pop out and make us say; “whoa there, hold on a sec...” but it never came.  The social worker complimented us on our child focused attitude to adoption and said it was great that we understood that they would come with issues and wanted to work with them rather than try to forget they had a past.  She praised us for our extensive reading and the whole meeting was very open (or so we thought).  I said that I was looking to take two years off and the social workers smiled at each other like this was very positive.  Then I asked if they thought we would make good parents for these children and they said; “you have a lot of the skills needed to be good parents for these children” and I said; “OK then, what happens next?” and they said “Well, we arrange meetings with the medical advisor and it could be about three months...[then our social worker said]...much sooner than that, I think”.  Then they showed us photographs and proudly looked on and asked us how we felt.  We didn’t really know what to feel but we felt quite in awe of the fact that these were going to be our children.  And that was that.  They said they would call that afternoon to confirm the next steps.  Wow, we thought.  We are going to be parents really bloody soon!  Then the social worker called on Monday afternoon and said that she hadn’t been able to talk to her manager so she would call me on Thursday or Friday.  And that was Monday.  Rightly or wrongly I assumed this was go, go, go (wouldn’t you?) and let my close friends and family know (the ones who had been references on our PAR) and also emailed school as I am very conscious of keeping them in the loop as they won’t have long to find my replacement.

So cue Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday where I go out and have jolly lunches with my chums and their kids only this time my brain is saying “’re not far off the Mummy club now!”  So it all sort of feels different and exciting and scary but kind of wonderful because it’s what we’ve been working towards for so long.

And then Thursday comes and at 3.30 I get the phone call (the one I’m expecting to be confirming the appointments with the medical advisor etc) and I’m in the park in the sunshine with my friend and her two children.  Our social worker says “how are you feeling?” I say...“well, I don’t know if I’m allowed to be completely excited”...she says...“oh...” and then I can’t remember her exact words but it was something along the lines of “the children’s social worker has decided it’s not a good match”.



Now I feel a mixture of crushed, sad, stupid, over-excitable and about 0.5mm tall.  I also wish that the playground would swallow me up and send me away from all the cheerful mums and kids.  I can’t really remember the rest of the conversation as I was just so shocked.  The meeting had gone really well, they had shown us the photographs, they had told us it would be much less than three months and now...bang.  So I can’t clearly remember the conversation we had but effectively what I took from it was “we don’t think you can manage these two children when you’re at home on your own”.  I felt like someone had stamped on me repeatedly and it physically hurt.  I tried to keep normal until my lovely friend and her kids had gone home but then I just melted down.  I felt like they were saying I couldn’t do it...I couldn’t be a good parent.  She said it was nothing to do with the meeting and that they definitely hadn’t withheld any information but that the children’s social worker felt I wouldn’t be able to cope and that they wanted what was best for everyone and that wasn’t for the adoption to break down.  So in my mind I’m thinking...but all they had were some fairly minor behavioural issues (we questioned this during the meeting and they confirmed it), and they were two smiley, sociable children, and we can’t cope with them.  Well I’m thinking, clearly we will never be matched then, because I’m not good enough to manage.  I was in a state, I’m not going to lie about it.  I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t stop sobbing because I blamed myself and I felt like I had let me, my partner and these children down.  So that was Thursday and Friday.  Not great.  Not proud of that, not trying to be melodramatic, just trying to be honest.

Oh yes, and that phone call was the last thing our social worker did before going on holiday for a week.

On Friday our old social worker called (we text to say what had happened) to say that she was quite shocked as on paper it seemed like a really good match.  These are the two children they have been talking about for us since before our panel.  I said I couldn’t figure it out.  I just kept going over it in my head...they said it wasn’t the meeting...they said it wasn’t that the children were different to what they had what was it?  Anyway, she advised me to call the adoption services manager (who is lovely) so I did, and that’s finally how I managed to get to this point.  A point where I can function and reason and look forward and write about what happened.

I explained to her that I felt totally crushed and devastated because I didn’t understand what had happened and was blaming myself.  She explained that it was the children’s social worker’s first ever link and that on paper it had seemed like a really good match but on talking to the children’s social worker it transpired that the children’s behaviour was much more challenging and demanding than the CPR stated.  That they were violently clingy etc. although she admitted that it wasn’t her case so she didn’t know everything about it.  She said (as did our other social worker) that they feel our primary skill is as nurturers, so we are better suited to more withdrawn children.  One of my friends worries that this is slightly homophobic, as they are seeing us both as “mothers” rather than co-parents with different skills.  I’m not sure.  I said to the manager that we felt like everything they kept saying about us being nurturers was a sort of code for us not being resilient, and that it sounded like an insult and she said that it was just that some children are a better fit for some people than other children and these ones didn’t seem like the best fit for us.  She apologised, she said that they shouldn’t really have matched us in the first place.  I made it clear that we weren’t upset because these particular children wouldn’t be our children, we were upset because on Monday we were very firmly led to believe that we would be parents very soon and they waited until Thursday to tell us that we weren’t.  They shouldn’t have left that meeting on such a positive if they had doubts; they shouldn’t have shown us the photographs; they should have asked us directly about the behaviour they felt I couldn’t manage and they definitely shouldn’t have let us spend three days feeling positive and excited about our imminent parenthood only to tell us it was all off and not really explain why.  Especially when the reason why is that they have cocked up, not us.  They messed up the match, they behaved inappropriately in the meeting and it seems like they have made massive assumptions about our personalities which we worry aren’t really true.  But despite all this, I still feel inclined to trust that they understand matching better than I do.  It’s their job and I’m not going to believe or argue that these children were right for us; I believe them, they probably weren’t, and that’s OK.  Just don’t put us through all of this, please.  Because we’re not even parents yet and we feel like our confidence has been totally squashed.

So that’s that.  That was the last couple of weeks with my OH’s grandma’s funeral and an engagement party thrown in for good measure.  I have two weeks left of school holidays and I’m not really sure what to do with myself.  We have a meeting with our social worker next week and I wonder what we will say.  I’ll let you know.  Three months from our approval panel is fast approaching which means the national adoption register looms.  I don’t know from experience but it sounds like when you are looking for a house, and they send you masses and masses of details which aren’t right, and then when one finally is right, the sellers choose someone else.  It seems like a lonely old process fraught with rejection and negative assumptions made without even talking to you, let alone meeting you.  I had really hoped that we would be matched in house and not get that far but you can’t win them all.  Our adoption journey has been fairly painless up until now so I guess it was going to happen at some point.

Sorry that was so long!  I hope it wasn’t too down in the dumps and angry!  I do feel cross now.  I feel like I’m mostly healed but all this emotion makes you seriously physically tired!

I need to get off the sofa, get dressed and have some breakfast!  xx

Wednesday, 1 August 2012



I'm not sure whether I should be writing this or not as I don't want to jinx things, but then that's not really in the spirit of blogging, is it?!

So, after my whingey old moan bag of a post last time what happens...? Our social worker calls and tells us they have made a link with a sibling pair! I'm not going to give any details just in case but they are both under three!  Amazing. The reason she wasn't available to talk to me was because they hadn't had their official linking meeting and she was worried she wouldn't be able to keep it a secret if she spoke to me!  So there we are.

We have a meeting with our social worker and the children's social worker on Monday and then we will decide if we agree to the match.

We will have to ask loads and loads of questions.  I think I'm going to type up answers on the laptop as we go as this is undoubtedly going to be the biggest decision of our whole lives.  And it's so hard!
Because you just don't know how their life experiences will manifest as they grow, and you have to try to decide what sort of trauma you can manage and where you would be best placed to therapeutically parent them.  So we are excited and scared and nervous and hopeful and a million other emotions.  We have even been given names, which is lovely as we can think about them as real people, but we have avoided talking about them too much until after Monday when we will know more definitely whether we think they are a good match for us.  We have only really told people who came with us on our adoption journey, so far. I'm not going to worry my workplace until we know for sure so I will call them after Monday I think.

As a distraction technique on Sunday I made a treasure map for the wall on one of the bedrooms.  It is decorated with hot air balloons with children riding in them, clearly on an adventure and I just wanted it to have a real sense of adventure on there!  But instead of just making a fictional one, all the places are relevant to our friends and family, like there's a Rose Cottage named after one of our friends, and Lake Louise where we got engaged!  The whole family is on it! I think it's pretty cool...I even did the teabag staining and burned round the edges!  Unfortunately I can't share it on here because it would be a bit too identity revealing!  It's a bit like the map we had to do for our PAR of our support network only kid friendly. Luckily our family seem to have names that fit well with places!

So we have been busy putting up more storage and trying to get ready but not in a specific to these children kind of way.

Something about it feels very right now that we have settled down, but we still have to be sensible and measured and not get carried away with our emotions.  Much easier said than done.

It's just unbelievable that I've been blogging for just over a year now and we have been linked.  It's not taken nearly as long as we thought. I'm glad we timed it right so our extension etc were finished off and we don't have anything to worry about.  I've decided that I'm going to take photographs of all the breakable things we had as wedding presents so that if anything gets broken and the children can see on my face that I'm sad I can say "well, it was an accident so I'm not cross, but I am a bit sad because it was a wedding present from...but don't worry because I have a picture of it so I can remember it that way and still be happy".  I'm hoping that will work!

And that's all for now!

I will be in touch when we know more :)

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

No news is good news?

No news is supposed to be good news but it really doesn't feel like it!  Sorry I haven't blogged for ages. We had a meeting with our placing social worker a week after panel and since then we haven't heard anything at all. I'm on school holidays now and it's just driving me mad. I'm now preparing for when I go back in September but when we broke up I was so excited about the impending babies and now I'm just sad. Either the two children they told us about don't really exist, they have been linked with someone else or they are just lurking in foster care. None of which are great. We were so ready for a big wait until they said things like: "we probably won't really need your matching profile" and "there is a one year old and a two year old which seem like a really good match" and "looks like you might want to get those rooms ready!".  If we hadn't been told things like this we would certainly feel a lot less horrible. It felt like it was going to be really quick and here we are...over a month later and we've heard nothing. Some friends of ours have been approved for over 1.5 years so I don't know what I'm moaning about! Shuddup woman and pull yourself together! I honestly wouldn't be moaning if we hadn't been dropped these tantalising nuggets of information and then.....silence! Eurgh. So infuriating! What was that about not moaning, you say...?! Sorry! I spend my whole life telling people to make the best of things and enjoy what you have. I'm partially sighted which means I'm not doing the career I set out to but I love being a teacher so everything worked out!  I know that we should be enjoying the time we have left as a couple, but it's just so hard now. My emotions are all over the place!  We just had a lovely relaxing holiday in a couples only hotel so there were no children, no curious parenting techniques to discuss, no cuteness...brilliant! It made us feel much better. I'm not really sure what to do with myself at the moment. My brain is full of migraines and emotions and there's not much room left for actual functioning! Ho hum...there are worse things...I'm just not managing this well because I like to either do things *right now*  or pick a date and start planning.  That's a brief summary of where I am now. I don't really know to be honest! The social worker is supposed to call me tomorrow so hopefully she will. Hope you are all well and enjoying the sunshine! X

Saturday, 23 June 2012


So now I am finally going mad. Everyone said it would happen but we are not really sleeping well and everything sets us off.  We just bought the Mommy, Mama an me book and that was such a bad idea. It's lovely and sent my emotions all over the plan.  I can't remember if I said but we have decided to call ourselves Mummy and Mama. I'm Mummy and my other half is Mama.   Last week we started trying to make our intro video a little bit. With the windows movie making package we can put music in the background.  It's pretty cool.  We chose "all about you" by McFly essentially because I have the musical interests of a teenage girl and also because it's quite jolly and seemed to be sending the right message!  So we just played with that really and it was quite fun but we can't make it  properly until we know names and ages.  I think a video is quite a good idea in case the foster carer isn't great and won't read their intro book very much.  We think we are going to make board books from this site: for our intro book as then they will be very toddler friendly.  It's nice because we can put the photos in the book into stills in our video so it links nicely together. We joined adoption uk this week as we thought we probably need as much support as possible!  We are looking to start a local group of new family social as all of our nearest ones are actually very far away and just not realistic with two tiny people. Only a week and a bit left of school.  It's such a relief as I'm so tired I feel very fuzzy headed at the moment.  Luckily it's just a few serious lessons of A level and then mostly jolly fun stuff which isn't too arduous. I just wish I knew whether I was going back in September.  It's so strange this not knowing.  Or maybe I will just go back for a few weeks. Who knows?! I can't decide if we were being hopelessly optimistic thinking it would happen for us this summer or if it still will.  We haven't heard from our new social worker yet. Hopefully we will next week. It's been a week of hopefully and nervously checking my phone but not finding anything.  And everyone at school is so sweet and always asking how things are going.  I told school it was likely it could be the summer, so they could be prepared but now I'm less sure, so I feel a bit silly.  Eurgh! Sigh, it's all just so emotionally draining! Anyway, take care and I will keep you all posted! X

Wednesday, 13 June 2012


So...we did it! It was a nerve wracking panel with some quite tricky questions. Not wishing to blow my own trumpet but our social worker said that one of the panel said that he wished he lived with us, and that we were one of the best sets of adopters they had had through in ages! Hurrah! We are excited but totally pooped now! So for those of you who are interested here is a summary of the questions and our answers: You said in your report that you have not really faced prejudice in the past, how will you deal with prejudice when you face it in the future, especially with a child? I said that I would do what I do at school when the children make unfounded and bizarre comments and question why they thought that.  That usually works quite well.  We also said that we are just normal people who happen to be lesbians and this wouldn't change...and that's why we haven't faced prejudice in the past.  Because when people meet us they realise that we are not evil demons but just normal, nice people, and one of our friends said that we turned her homophobic father into a gay loving open minded person! Hurrah! How will you deal with it if your child is bullied for having two mums? We said we would try and bring them up to be resilient so that they would know that if they were bullied then the bullies were at fault and not them.  We also said that we would contact the school if we needed to. We would encourage our children to talk to us and we might rehearse what they would say to someone who asked them a question about having two mummies.  We said that it is normal for children to ask questions and be curious and that's ok and we gave the example of someone we has met through NfS whose son said "my birth mum wasn't very good at being a mum so now I have two brilliant dads." You are very calm people so how would you cope with an aggressive or violent child.  You have said that this is not something you will consider but it could develop. I said that we would not be afraid to seek expert help if we needed it, that sometimes that is the way forward.  I said that it would be very hard but we would have to persevere.  L said that we would try and find out why the child was so angry and sort out the cause of the behaviour. You said that you would be unable to support a child with an existing faith. We said that we were open minded about religion and will support our child in exploring religion.  We have lots of religious friends. But we could not support a child who was expecting us to go to church with them every Sunday as we felt this was hypocritical of us.  But that we are open minded about religion and want to teach our child about different faiths and religious celebrations. J, I was pleased to see that you didn't rebel as a teenager.  How would you cope if you had a teenager who came home with a shaved head and a tattoo? I said that I worked with teenagers every day and I felt that treating them like adults, calmly but with clear consequences, worked very well indeed.  I said that I thought there were worse things they could do than shave their head, although it might be quite embarrassing when we go shopping!  We said that they need to express themselves and if that's the way they choose to do it, that's OK.  We wouldn't scream and shout but would let them know that they are safe and loved and that it would be hard but we would do our best. Sometimes teenagers behave very differently at home and at school. I said that yes, in my experience they do, but that in my experience in the boarding house I had learned to deal with both sides.  I also said that we had talked a lot about our children being teenagers because of the adoption process.  Much more than most parents. We felt overwhelmingly that we want our children to feel safe and like they can talk to us and would try to keep calm and not engage in power struggles with them. You seem like very calm and nurturing people, how will you cope if you are rejected by your child? I said that it would clearly be really hard and we would find it difficult and from talking to other adopters it seems to be quite common.  We would do our best and keep trying but not smother them, make sure we were meeting their needs and keeping them safe, and then let them come to us. We said that we would support each other and do our best but that it would be a very difficult time. Our social worker then said that she thought we would be very good at finding creative ways to engage, nurture and build attachment. How would you cope if they used food as a power struggle, for example refusing to eat. I said we were going to get them to engage with cooking and preparing food from an early age but if they are using food as a power struggle the best thing to do is not to engage in it and make it an issue.  So that's it. Done! Now we just have to wait for a call and then we will know more! What an experience. We gave our social worker a little hamper of homemade cakes and biscuits and she gave us a big hug. We were so lucky with our social worker and will miss her loads! We are going to keep her posted and send her photos etc. And I will keep you lot posted too! We did it! X

Friday, 8 June 2012

5 days to go...

It's only 5 days until our approval panel now and we are excited and nervous. Because we have been to a panel before to become approved foster carers, I think we are not too nervous about the actual panel itself, I am more nervous about what comes next!  I think I'm more nervous about the panel than I think I am as I'm not really sleeping too well at the moment.  With the jubilee, half term has gone by in a flash and now it's only 3 1/2 weeks until the summer holidays.  We have sort of been told loosely that things are likely to happen over the summer but we're trying to remain sensible and guarded but it's kind of unrealistic for us.  We painted the second bedroom over the jubilee weekend so it's ready now, it just needs cheerful soft furnishings and a bed/ cot and I have some hot air balloon wall stickers that I'm ready to buy when we know more.  I just hope we are allocated our new social worker soon after panel and we start to find out what's going on as it's the not knowing I find the most difficult.  I have been doing some shopping and things lately in a slightly mad way as I know that when I'm not working I will probably feel guilty about buying things for myself.  So I've had a mini splurge on nice classic things that hopefully will last for a bit.  Some of my friends think I'm a bit mad because they will obviously get covered in food/paint/poop but it's helped me a bit and I sort of think that's what matters! We are looking into getting a bigger car too.  Our car is only just big enough to fit a double buggy in the back so we are thinking we should upgrade to a more sensible and mumsy number!  Everything we do at the moment makes me feel a bit mad and excited.  We have well and truly fallen off the edge now.  Hopefully once we are linked and matched it will get better as we will have more of a focus rather than blindly trying to prepare for...we don't quite know what! So in five days time we will know whether we are approved adopters and, from what we have been told, things could start to happen any minute after that.  The manager of the adoption agency seems to be very proactive and switched on so let's hope things move quickly for us as it would be so wonderful to be able to do all this stuff in the summer holidays rather than panicking in the autumn term, which is always a bit of a busy old nightmare anyway. So there we are.  I'm not sleeping terribly well so sorry if that doesn't all make sense.  Some of the lovely people from our adoption training course are coming for tea tomorrow so that will be nice.  It's been really good because I've spent the whole day baking!  We're making a hamper of homemade things as a thank you to our social worker as we will be moving to a different one after Wednesday so I have spent the day making vanilla fudge, malteaser cake and shortbread! Very fun.  The malteaser cake is delicious. If anyone is interested. Right...definitely time for bed. Take care, everyone.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

We've received our PAR

Hello again, I said I would post about the PAR, so here are my thoughts. Our social worker did not disappoint us.  She always asked questions and seemed like she just "got" us really well and was also a very switched on and intuitive person and this certainly comes across on the PAR. I shed quite a few tears when I read it.  It's a great way to make you realise how lucky you are, how much support you have and evidence for why your relationship is strong and has lasted.  We changed a few minor details, or a couple of bits where we weren't sure it sounded quite as it was meant to on paper, but mostly all 43 pages were accurate and perceptive.   For those of you who haven't seen one before it starts with each of your childhood experiences: parenting, education etc. and then moves on to specific sections like religion, how we will cope with a change of routine etc etc.  She used lots of quotes from our meetings and also quotes that we had sent ourselves anyway so it felt like a very personal and appropriate document. Our new sofa arrived this week.  Amazing how a thing like a sofa can make you emotional but it's a big family sofa which we will all be able to cuddle up on and it's making us feel funny! Our social worker is coming today for us to sign off all the paperwork and then it's panel in just over 3 weeks.  Wow.  Can you believe it?  Really, this bit has been very fast... I have no complaints about the time scale so far! I can't remember what I said in my last post about two children, but it seems like they are hoping we will have two.  This is stressful as we have to sort out the second bedroom, but we can't properly do it until we know.  I have sated the crazily organised part of my personality by making a list of things to panic buy when we are definitely matched!  There's not too much to do but I was "ready" (as I'll ever be!) for one and two seems like it will be wonderful but challenging! I spent last weekend with my lovely friend and her two gorgeous twins.  I had a wonderful time playing with them and cuddling them.  They are slightly stranger aware and treated me with appropriate suspicion (they are 7 months old) but they sort of got over it and let me have lots of cuddles! My friend is doing so well.  I can see that she is pretty pooped but she applies a very organised approach with lots of routine and I think that helps preserve her sanity as well as the babies.  At least our two won't be in the same room waking each other up constantly! So all in all it's been a good week.  We are both rather emotional but managing! This weekend we haven't done too much.  We have just been enjoying the new house which is something we needed to do really.  We also went to the cinema...we're trying to do things like that that we won't be able to do in not too long.   Or it might be too long!  It's still horrible not knowing!  I don't know if I'll go back to school in September and that's just so weird!  Just have to try not to think about it! Take care, everyone!

Monday, 7 May 2012

Getting a bit carried away

Somehow our assessment process is complete; I thought it would sort of go on indefinitely and had got used to being “prospective adopters” but now it sounds like we’re not going to be “prospective adopters” for very long at all.  We had our final social worker visit on Friday and the house safety check...nothing too exciting:
  • ·         Are your chemicals in a locked cupboard?
  • ·         Are your blind cords tied up?
  • ·         Do you have socket protectors?
  • ·         Do you have a pond?
And our lovely social worker is going to email us our PAR next week for us to read through and check.  Our friends who are approved adopters came round for dinner on Saturday and were really emphatic about how important the PAR is in the matching process as if you go out of county it’s the only way the other social workers get to find out about you so we are going to scrutinise it very carefully and make sure it sounds like us.  Our social worker has been so lovely and seems to know us well so I’m not expecting any huge errors or bizarre assumptions but it will be nice to have the document.  In a way it’s quite nice to have external approval from our friends, family and a social worker that we will make good parents.  I just really hope we can be.

So apart from panel in a month’s time, we’re all set...which is a bit mad really!  I’m not complaining though!  I have been very impressed with the time scale especially given what people told us and all the newspaper reports about the adoption system.

So that’s the kind of “nuts and bolts” news.  But in other (more crazy) news, our social worker told us that two sibling pair groups with both siblings under the age of 3 are coming through the system at the moment and they have already decided that we would be a good match with them and they don’t get many adopters who are approved for two.  I’ve kicked into some sort of crazy, excited, panicky, stress-filled overdrive now.  I know I shouldn’t because nothing is certain and we haven’t been approved yet etc. etc. but our social worker told me to get lots of practise dressing/bathing kids etc. etc. so I can be really speedy when we have two.  I should clarify that we’re not being pushed into this...we have always said we don’t mind one or two...but because we had an extra room built in our house, that was always going to be the nursery so we have decorated it a bit and we’re pretty much ready for one.  If we have two then we have to re-organise and decorate our current spare bedroom which doesn’t sound too stressful now I’m actually typing it, but I’m a stress-minimiser.  I manage my stress by being ultra prepared for things so I have no need to be stressed.  To be honest it’s probably not the bedroom decorating as such that’s worrying me, it’s more the fact that in potentially three months time, our household could expand from 2 to 4.  Which is wonderful, and exciting and brilliant.  But three months isn’t very long and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to relax ever again!  Even though I should be spending lots of time relaxing because I won’t have time in three months time.

Sorry if this post is a little disordered.  It’s accurately reflecting what’s going on in my brain.  I’m unbelievably excited, but then I worry that I shouldn’t be because it could still take a long time and could not happen like she said.  But then I think it’s unlikely our social worker would have said this if she didn’t believe it as she is very kind and nice and intuitive and I don’t think she would deliberately mislead us.

So we have finally given up trying to be pragmatic and sensible and have tipped over into fully embracing this adoption and really getting ready, both physically and emotionally, for the little people (person?) who are about to enter our lives.  I was feeling pretty unsettled when I started writing this entry and it has definitely helped so thanks everyone!

My Mum and Dad are being great too...they have said that they will come down and help decorate/whatever we need.  But my Mum said to me “I think you just need to keep calm about it all until you know more” which is sound advice and easy to say, but just not happening for me!  The weirdest part is that I don’t know whether I will be going back to school in September.  I don’t know what my life will be like in a few months time.  It could be just like it is now, or there might be two children in the house and everything will be totally and irreversibly different.  It could be years before I’m a full time teacher again.  It’s just all a bit crazy.  I am just so looking forward to being a Mummy now, and it seems like everything we do, we’re having to think about the imaginary children which aren’t ours yet.  Even buying a sofa you that pattern good for sticky fingers?  Will we all fit for family cuddles?!  But then they’re not imaginary really...they’re real...they’re born and probably already in foster care, but we just don’t know who they are yet.  But I really shouldn’t go there because it will drive me even more mad.

At least with a pregnancy you get nine months notice.  With adoption it’s like you’re trying to conceive for months and months (or years) and then suddenly the gestation is 2 months!  It’s totally mad.  It seems that either you are massively self-disciplined and try not to think about it at all, and then buy everything in a great big rush, or you let them in, open your heart and prepare yourself for your new arrivals, but also guard yourself against disappointment and pain and a big long wait.

So...that’s where I am...I’m somewhere that I don’t really know where it is.  I’m excited but I’m trying not to be excited; I’m stressed, but I’m trying to keep calm and reasonable and I’ve got no idea whatsoever what the next few months hold.  But I’m in my house, I’ve got my wonderful partner, our house is ready and big enough to be a family home and yesterday we picked up our new chickens.  I think emotionally and physically we are ready, it’s just the uncertainty and lack of time scale which is the hardest bit but we’ll muddle through the next few months somehow.

I’ll try and blog again when we’ve received our PAR and let you know what we thought.

Take care everyone.