Wednesday, 29 August 2012

A bit like a yoyo


Sorry I’ve not been as regular with my blogging as I might be.  I’ve been rather up and down lately.  Sometimes I forget things and feel happy and then other times I just feel overwhelmingly tired and saddened by it all.  I’ve only got three days left of my holiday now before I go back to the madness of school.  I’m sure it will be good to be busy again but I’m worried about coping with all of this going on as well as my full on teaching job.  I guess I should just snap out of it, stop worrying and get a grip!

We have been spending our pain a bit....oops.  I just bought an SLR camera which is something I’ve always wanted but never felt like I could quite buy.  It’s very cool and I’m planning to learn how to use it properly so I can take some really good photos.  Spending your pain is a bit of a temporary fix though but I figure as long as we are not spending more than we have then it’s OK.  We’ve been saving up for ages and now have fallen off the wagon a bit as I guess we both feel like we’re not saving for anything anymore.  And that in itself is just stupid...because clearly we will be matched at some point.  I think we are just both feeling rather wounded and negative about things.  Friends of ours have been approved for 1 ½ years and still no match and they are just lovely, wonderful people so I don’t understand why they have been kept waiting for so long.  It doesn’t make sense.  Which makes me worry that for all our support network, reading, preparation etc etc, it still could take forever.

I’m sorry.  Putting things on paper makes me realise how much of a big old whinger I’m being.  I’m not really that “woe is me”...well, I sort of am...sorry!  I really should get over myself.  Some of the people over on New Family Social have been through a whole lot worse with matches that were days before matching panel breaking up.  At least we didn’t get that far.

We took the opportunity to decorate our bedroom over the bank holiday weekend.  It is now no longer dingy beigey cream but a lovely shade of white with a Wedgewood blue wall.  It is nice that we have done it because it made us feel productive and also now we have a lovely relaxing space.  We thought it would be doomed to remain dull, dark cream forever so that’s a big positive.

We signed up to  I think it’s probably a bit premature but I just really wanted to do something proactive.  I suppose on some level it makes me feel better to know that we are doing something as I’m not very good at just sitting back and waiting.  It’s hard though, as the main thing you have to go on is the picture of the child (a bit like an estate agent) and that just seems a bit wrong.  I prefer the way the agency does it where they give you all the info first and you make a proper decision rather than starting it in such a superficial way with the strange emotional link that a photograph gives you.

Oh.  I haven’t told you about the meeting with our social worker last week.  She has restored our faith in her and reassured us that she is on our side.  It seems like the cock up with the agency was bigger than we realised and so really she was the wrong person to call us and break the bad news because she didn’t have the authority to apologise on behalf of her colleagues or the authority which is why she couldn’t really explain fully what had happened.  She only called us on Thursday afternoon before she went on holiday because really she was calling on behalf of the managers and the children’s social workers.  We were right about some negative assumptions though.  They had noted that our house was really tidy (clearly...there were social workers coming!) and apparently felt like our house would not be good for chaotic children as they would wreck the place and we wouldn’t be able to cope.  I mean...really!  Clearly our house isn’t currently covered in toys and vomit but we don’t have any children yet so it would be a bit strange if it was.  Our house is tidy(ish) but not *that* tidy.  I mean we do have things out on the side and our sink doesn’t have a mirror shine!  What do they want from you?  How do they expect your house to be?!  Luckily last time the twins came round, one of them spilled milk on the carpet so now there is a small stain...maybe that means they will think we will make better parents!  But I have been nesting 100% of my time for weeks!  I’m on “holiday”, what do they expect?!  What a bunch of crazies!  I can’t believe that they make these assumptions about you from your home decor...haven’t they ever seen “Through the Keyhole?” no-one ever got it right, did they?!

On some level it is nice to know that it is the system at fault and not us, but it doesn’t help too much when you know that this is the system you have to use to find your family.  But even this crazy old system seems less scary than heading off and trying to find a family on your own.  I much prefer the idea of being matched in house as at least social workers have knowledge and experience of matching.  I’ve never chosen a child before so I don’t really know what I’m looking for!

Ooh.  This blog is making me feel better!  Thanks anonymous readers, whoever you are.  I’m on the sofa in my pyjamas again.  Somehow you guys have given me the get up and go to get up and get some breakfast.  Well done, you!

I do believe that our children are out there.  I suppose we are worried that this mess up has wasted us time, which it has, but not that much time.  We are young!  And we should be enjoying our time as a couple and making the most of not having children and we are in a way but it’s peppered with sadness and hollow purchasing to try and make us feel better.  If we hadn’t had this link, we would feel funny and apprehensive but not in the same way.  I had fully imagined that I would only be back at school for a month or so, and what an exciting month it would be.  I had imagined Christmas and I had imagined trips out with my friends who are already mummies and I can’t un-imagine it.  I wish I could.  No...maybe I don’t.  Getting excited and getting ready and looking forward to being a parent is part of who I am and I don’t want to be a person who doesn’t do those things.  Unfortunately it just makes it harder now because the near future isn’t going to be what I thought it would be.

It makes you think though.  All these emotions I’m having.  I am constantly on a knife edge between coping and not coping.  Merrily getting on with things and then welling up and having to stop.  I’m getting there.  There is more merriment and coping than there was.  But my point was.  I’m an adult.  I’m an adult who has been through crap before and coped and managed and come out the other end more than usually perky and OK.  But these kids...they’re just kids and the amount of crap they have to go through before they get to their forever families and not just when they are with their birth families but in the “care” system too.  It makes me realise that though this path we are taking has brought us a huge amount of pain lately, it will be worth it in the end, not just for us, but for the children that eventually become a part of our family.

Another long one.  Congratulations for making it through to the end.  Maybe I should start putting summaries at the beginning.  “Feeling a bit sad.  Getting there.  Worried about going back to school. Social worker better than we thought. Will be worth it in the end”.  I’m not sure it quite gets across the same message though.  I love words.  I love the way they can make you feel so much less crap.

Hope that wasn’t too much of a snivvely moan bag of a blog!  TTFN! x

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