Friday, 28 June 2013

Poxy poxy pox


So I'm not quite feeling like a super mum at the moment.  Squiblet has The Pox and though she is chipper she is covered in spots and not sleeping too well....which means I have reached a new level of fatigue and am feeling like a real parent again instead of a parent from an advert for gravy powder or some such.

But first I will share a positive.  A massive shiny, sparkly gem of a memory.  Swimming on Tuesday and she swam under water like a little fish and came up with a massive grin on her face.  Her swimming teacher took her hands to help her swim with her woggle and said to me "see how I'm not even holding her?  She's doing it on her own!" I usually hold on for dear life for fear of her sinking like a stone and hating swimming (and me) for ever and ever!  So I need to man up and let the girl swim!  So exciting.  I've just bought her a float so we can keep on swimming even in the holidays when all her clubs and classes are cancelled. I love love love her swimming lessons now where I used to sort of dread them a bit!  So much fun...although we won't be able to go next week because of the dreaded pox :(

Being trapped at home is not much fun.  But I'm just so tired!  I still need to go and get blood tested that I'm not horribly anaemic...but there's no time!  When I'm tired like this everything just seems a whole lot less fun and I feel horribly on the edge of tears all the time!  And it's ridiculous because Mama has been off work the last 3 days as we had our Aunt visiting from America so I haven't really had to do much at all.  But I think it's the teacher thing that you keep going and going and then when you stop you crash and burn!  That and the middle of the night waking and 5.30 mornings!  Poof!  I really hate not being at my peak!

I've been campaigning our local council to improve our local park.  It's what Mama calls being a Pillock of the Community.  But we live in this fantastic affluent place and our park is just so rubbish!  The climbing frame is downright dangerous and there's one of those ride on horse things from the 1950s!  It's pretty bleak.  Anyway, I allowed myself to be patronised and condescended to..."the teenagers break only takes one..." until I pointed out that in fact all of the play equipment was still in the park and had clearly managed not to be destroyed by evil teenagers...even if they did graffiti on it a bit...with chalk (not exactly hard crime).  I think my message got through.  I'm aiming for a toddler climbing frame, fitness trail and teenager can but try!

I think I need to start taking a bit more time out from being a crazy full on parent.  I might have to arrange a night out with a friend or something.  The thing is, up until now I was feeling pretty tickety boo and it's just crept up on me.  It makes me feel somehow it means that I feel like I don't want to be a Mummy...which is just downright ridiculous but I can't help feeling it sometimes and feeling a bit like I wish I could just fly away and lie down in some sunshine on my own!  But I don't mean that...or do I?!  I would miss Mama and Squiblet so much if I didn't see them for a day, let alone a week, and it's completely unrealistic anyway.  But there we are.  Guilt.  Pile on the Mummy guilt!  It will (hopefully) all go away once I've actually slept for a whole night!

I guess the whole money thing is getting a bit scary too.  The running tap that was my pay cheque is now dripping ominously ready to stop soon and we need to stop spending and start scrimping!  I've been buying toys and things in the summer sales ready for Christmas which on some level seems sensible but on another level seems scary!  Eurgh.  I'm scared!  I'm scared because I want to go on holiday in September and I don't know if we should spend our savings!  I'm scared because I like buying things!  I'm scared because it's me who isn't earning and I feel bad about that.  I'm scared when I buy things.  It's all just a bit terrifying.  We had got so used to buying what we want when we want and we are both very clear...her preschool years are more important to us than buying things are...but equally I feel like I'm going a bit mad and could really use someone to cook for me while I lie in the sunshine!  Sorry.  I appreciate that this is a most middle class and ridiculous money whinge.  We aren't counting our pennies before we can eat and we aren't scared about how we will afford nappies...nothing like that so feel free to say "ffs...shut up woman" but I do like to be honest on my blog!  So this is me...being honest...and being a bit tired and a bit scared.

So take care everyone.  Things will be brighter as soon as I've slept properly, I'm sure!

Much love  xx


  1. Sending middle class hug for you! I can relate to this totally, the guilt the fear, all of it. I think they are things just woven into the fabric of motherhood. You do need a break, it's impossible to be up beat all the time and finding even a tiny bit of time for yourself will make you feel better. You have to look after yourself or you wont be at your best for Squiblet. The Pox is horrid too I'm not surprised you're drained.

    Hope you feel better soon and thanks for sharing on The Weekly Adoption Shout Out. xx

  2. That is exactly how I have been feeling the last 4 weeks. I had a bad cold which I was still energetic throughout and when it was gone a week later I was lethargic. It went on for so long that my doctor order two blood test. Waiting for the second one now. Apparently if it comes back negative then she will start talking about depression. I sooooo don't think it is that but my paranoia has got me looking up Post Adoption Depression.

    this parenting thing is tiring in itself and nothing prepares you for it especially as the main carer. Like you I kept in work teaching until school holidays and then crash. But now there is no holiday. Even the time outs for own time you still have some part of your brain planning the week.