Getting "ready"

I'm not sure if we are premature in our preparations given that we haven't yet been to panel, but we are now "ready" for our new arrival.  We spent the weekend sorting out the room, unwrapping things we have bought and washing anything new in the same laundry liquid that the foster carer uses.  Her room looks really pretty.  I bought these alphabet wall stickers from chocovenyl:

http://www.chocovenyl.co.uk/Letter-PVC-Free-Fabric-Wall-Stickers-p/jn-lttr.htm

So now her name is on the wall.  She's not old enough to know but it made me feel a real contrast to kids who are adopted and kids who are in foster care.  We have spent ages making a room which is hers and will feel like her space, which although it seems superficial, I think it's actually hugely important.  It's hard to feel special when you know that loads of other people have slept where you slept and used all the things you use. I'm becoming quite passionate about children in care and I wonder if my career will head in that direction at some point.  It's a massive leap from teaching in a private school but part of me feels like I want to do more than adopt one or two.

Talking of one or two.  Right now I can't imagine having two children.  I am so excited about being a three person family.  I am looking forward to there being two of us and one of her and we have so many close friends with children that I'm sure she will make some really strong relationships there.  I wonder if I will change my mind in a few years time...maybe!

I have been using my energy in ridiculous over planning!  Yes...I've written out the recipes for play dough and salt dough, laminated them and put them on my blackboard.  I've made a bag for junk modelling and given it a cute little (laminated - obv) label.  I'm hugely inspired by Anna over at:

http://www.theimaginationtree.com/

Brilliant!  I now have a shopping list which includes huge amounts of salt.

Maybe when I'm busy mummying about I'll find inspiration to blog about the activities we do.  I'm so excited about all the things we will do together, and all the things we will introduce her to which she hasn't seen or done! Swimming, play dough, painting, chalk... so exciting.

I'm formulating a plan to be a mumtrepeneur.  I think that's what they call them.  Right now I have no idea what sort, and I suspect this may be a pipe dream, but I can dream!  If the mumtrepeneuring doesn't work out I will be back to work part time in a year....I suspect this is the most likely course of events! Still...I do love my job, I'm just already worrying about not being there to excite and stimulate our baby (and me!).

Still...there is plenty of time to worry about that!

Only a week and a bit until panel...and then Christmas and then...that gro-bag I've just washed won't be so shiny and new any more!

Take care everyone! x

Visiting the foster carer.

Hello,

We had our visit with the foster carer. She was very solid and organised but was also looking after a very young baby so has her hands full. We are very relieved that she has had such steady and reliable care during the first part of her life, but we are looking forward to getting her home to be able to do all of the things that there isn't quite time for at the moment, like swimming and painting and play dough and splashing in puddles!

We have been buying lots of bits on eBay and bought our car seat today. We are really getting prepared! At the weekend we will build the cot and really get her room ready.  She is coming with hundreds of toys! Her birth mum and dad have bought her so many, and seeing them all made me feel really sad. Sad that these people who are such a big part of her are trying to fill the gap in their lives with toys and trying to make their presence felt, but it never really will be. If that makes sense. I felt sad for them, and sad for our daughter. The foster carer has taken photographs of every set of birthday and Christmas presents and said who they are from.  She is going to make a scrap book and will bring it when she comes for her final visit. She seems very caring and kind.

We are so close now. Less than 2 weeks until panel and then introduction after Christmas.  My excitement means I can't focus at work and I'm just all over the place!  I'm an emotional nightmare! I just want to get her home and give her a cuddle and finally have a chat with her. Apparently she is very chatty!

So close!  But the days are going so slowly!

Will blog again when I'm less pooped!  We are in the middle of washing bedding and clothing in the same detergent as the foster carer uses....lots to do!

Take care, everyone! X

Broken the seal...oops

Hello,

I'm writing that (broken the seal) and I'm not sure if it's an expression that everyone uses or not, but basically what it means is that once you have broken the seal, you can't stop but until then, you manage, somehow to contain yourself.

My other half bought a pair of dungarees from a charity shop, thus breaking the seal and now I have spiralled out of control in some kind of ebay clothing frenzy.  Somehow I justify it to myself that it is cheap, which it is, relative to buying new, but still....tut tut. At this point I have no idea what she needs or how big she is so frankly, I am being ridiculous.  But...the seal is broken...so be it!  Someone on NFS told me to stop worrying and start buying dungarees so I'm only taking their advice.   And me and my partner are constantly trying to justify these things to ourself...she needs that so she will feel like one of us (baby converse, once we know her size), she needs a bright and awesome coat so I can see her easily in the park...it's all just ridiculous really.

But the long and short of the matter is that we have tipped over the edge into massively excited.  I have a charm bracelet with charms on it from significant events in my life and I've just taken the liberty of buying myself a little stork.  Yup..excited, and currently (although not for long) with a disposable income.  We are hemorrhaging cash at an alarming rate currently, but hopefully it will die down after a while.  I like to think I'm not massively materialistic but the trouble is, I'm quite into fashion and I want her to look cool and quirky...nightmare!

On a serious and less frivolous note we are meeting the medical adviser tomorrow and have come up with a huge list of questions, but not as huge as the list of questions we have for the foster carer next week...now that is huge!  Hopefully they won't mind...I guess if they really care about her thenn they shouldn't do.

Two things to point you in the direction of.
1. www.chloesmummy.co.uk sell board books which you can put your photos on which is fabulous for intros.
2. http://www.grubbies.co.uk/ OMG these dungarees are just the coolest.  They are going to be my present for our new daughter (although actually for me...clearly she won't actually care) after matching panel.

Eurgh.  After all that excitement I just put myself on a downer thinking about matching panel.  It still could not happen or be delayed or something hideous.  That would be really bad now.  We are too far gone to be able to cope with that one effectively!  Let's hope our ridiculous amounts of planning, making into stuff and baby proofing means we can prove our worth (but then maybe they will say we're not spontaneous!)  Aaaargh!

Hideous!

Anyhow.  I hope you are all well.  I've been really surprised by the stats lately, lots of you seem to be following what we are up to.  Do say hello!  It's nice to know who is here.  I'll try and be a bit more regular in my postings now things are starting to happen.

Take care. x

Awry

Awry
Adverb: out of the normal or correct position; askew.

This is me. Good word, awry.  I like words and I think this is just such an appropriate one.  I like it even more now I've looked up the definition.  I am out of normal and askew, but not necessarily in a bad way.  In one sense I'm so tired that I can barely hold up my own head, in another sense I know that my friends tell me you never new tired until you have kids.  In one sense I want to rush out and buy dungarees, in another sense I am trying to remain calm and realistic.  I'm not sure what I'm like at work. I sense that I might be waving my arms around and being slightly more random than usual.  Hopefully this is distracting and not hiding my general fatigue and lack of "with-it-ness"!

We had a talk at school from a motivational speaker this week and it made me boil with anger. Had I been there under my own steam I would have walked right out of there. Is was essentially the same old crap these people spout; self belief is all you need to succeed.  She seemed to firmly believe that having a goal at the age of 13 and believing she could do it was the sole reason she had achieved it.  I mean, I'm all for striving for your personal best, but clearly most of her success was down to luck, genes, timing and circumstances.  I just kept wondering how many people with the same dream at 13 got to live it?  Does she somehow think she deserved it more because she had more self belief?! What a load of rubbish.  It got me thinking about what you teach your kids...clearly I want our kids to have dreams and aspirations, but I want them to be happy more!  I think that sometimes these incredibly driven people are so focused on their goal that they never stop and notice all the brilliant things and experiences and people that there are in the world.  I kind of want to set up my own motivational speaking company where we talk about happiness and appreciation and flexibility of mind instead of the ridiculous self important single mindedness these "successful" people have.

Tsk.  That was an extension of my rant and only loosely connected to adoption!  Sorry!

So we are still waiting.  We have a countdown ap on our iPad!  We look at her picture every day and wonder if all adopters do that or if we are a bit mad.  We have made our introduction board book, photo cube and talking photo album.  We are childproofing. We are ready. In theory!  Can you ever really be ready, I wonder! And in just over a week we will visit where she lives right now, see her room and her things, but not her, and it will be so weird!  And then we will go back to work like nothing happened!

So, that's it. I am awry!  Happy, tired, emotional and excited.  Awry.

Guest post from Mama

Hello, Mama here. Mummy usually writes these but I felt like I wanted to write a few words on this blog so that we can read it back later and remember how we both were feeling.

Things are really starting to happen now: the social workers have emailed us copies of the photos of you that we saw when they first told us about you. The ones that I took one look at and thought “Wow, she’s our daughter, she belongs with us”.  We haven’t carried you in our tummies, we’re thankful to your birth mum for that, but I have been carrying you in my heart since then.  I also carry you on my phone!! I look at your pictures a lot and imagine what it will be like when you’re with us.

We have also had to write a statement to go with the papers at matching panel to say why we think we’d be good parents for you. We want to help you to be the best you can be and to navigate life’s difficult path. We know that you’ll probably be sad to leave your foster family, but we really hope that we can show you all the beauty in the world and have a fun time together.

Our paths are going to cross in two weeks’ time. We’re coming to your house to meet your foster family. You are going to go out for a while, so we won’t meet, but we’ll get to see your home, where you sleep, your toys, where you eat. You probably won’t realise, but maybe we can leave some of our energy behind – I wonder if it will register with you?

It’s really starting to hit home now that this is going to happen. I want it more than anything in the world, and I frequently well up in everyday situations because I’m living my life without you in it for the next two months. I do feel a bit scared though. I want you to know that Mummy and I are going to look after you and help you grow, and I want you to feel reassured that together we can do anything. I’m quite nervous about washing you, dressing you, feeding you and wrestling you into a buggy or car seat! I’m not really used to it, but I’m trying to have a positive mental attitude! We’ll all be getting used to each other, but I’m looking forward to us growing together.

See you soon x

This one’s for you.

When my friend was pregnant with her lovely twins, her and her husband set up email addresses for them and emailed them before they were born (I think it was on a google advert or something).  I seem to remember that we emailed them too.  Anyway, that’s not really the point.  The point is that this blog post is for you.  I can’t write your name or say where you are, but one day I will show you this blog and you will know that before you knew us, or could even remember us; we were thinking of you.  We were opening our hearts up to you, preparing for your arrival and hoping that everything would go well and that the beautiful little girl we had heard so much about, and who was smiling at us from a pixelated photograph, would become our baby girl.  And we are hoping that it won’t take too long because all we want to do now is give you a cuddle.

 

We heard about you this week; that you are doing well and are happy and settled with your foster carers.  We worry that when we take you away from there you will feel sad inside, but we know and hope that it will be worth it for you because we will love you forever and without question.  We heard about your birth Mummy, your birth father and your half brother and sister.  We were told that your birth Mummy had heard about us, and that she was very accepting that you would have two Mummies instead of a Mummy and a Daddy. We felt really happy about this.  When we heard about your birth Mummy’s life we felt sad for her, horribly sad that she had not been given the skills she needed so that she could look after you when she so desperately wanted to.  It makes me feel really sad that the world is not able to look after people enough that they can learn how to be parents, and I do worry that our society lets people down time and time again.  After the social worker had gone, we shed quite a few tears.  Some for you, because we were full of anticipation for what the future could be, and some for your birth Mummy, because her life was nothing like a life should be, and it just feels terribly unfair.  But your birth Mummy brought you into the world, so that we could love you, and we will.

 

We are going to meet your birth Mummy in the next few months if everything goes well with the paperwork etc.  We will meet with the doctor to hear about your health, meet with your birth Mummy and if everything is sorted in time, a big panel of people will approve us to be your new parents.  The plan is that you could move in early next year.  I hope everything goes according to plan this time.  We are ready for you, and having heard so much about you, we can’t wait to meet you.

 

If something goes wrong again, you won’t get to read this.  You won’t ever know that there were two people who saw your photograph and cried on a sunny day in October.  We will hold a little bit of you with us and wonder about you, but you will never know how close we came to becoming your parents and how much we wanted to be and how, even though we hadn’t met you, we sort of loved you a little bit.

 

Your Mummy (that’s me) has a very vivid imagination and currently I’m not sleeping well because I’m full of wonder and hope and I keep imagining the future with you in it.  I’m trying not to.  I’m trying hard to close my heart and slow down my brain, to try and protect myself in case something goes wrong again.  And we don’t want to say so out loud, let alone in print, but somehow this time it feels so right.  We have always slightly mocked people who say their adopted children look like them, as that in itself is unimportant, but you look like our child, your beautiful smiling face just looks like it belongs with us, and we can’t wait to meet you and to be your parents.

 

We have two months to wait until panel.  We have another meeting next week where we might find out more and might get some more medical information.  Mama is pessimistic that panel will happen in December, Mummy (me) is optimistic.  I can’t help hoping and crossing fingers, toes, limbs, hairs that it will go right for us this time.

 

So I’m a mess!  I’m an emotional wreck who is eating too much and sleeping too little and for some reason we decided that this weekend should be the weekend we destroy our bathroom to fit a nice new one.  At least there will be a nice new one ready for when you arrive...if you arrive...There is a seed of doubt from my brain but my heart is having none of it.  I’m just going to have to carry on wishing on rainbows and shooting stars that the feeling I have in my heart means that things are going to go right this time and that the beautiful little child we know so much about is going to become our beautiful little daughter.

 

x

Wishing on rainbows and shooting stars.

Just a quick post to let you know that we have been linked again. A little girl under the age of one. We feel blessed and excited because we never expected a child so young but we are wishing on rainbows and shooting stars that it goes well this time.

Meeting this week to go over the CPR with our social worker and then...who knows.

Looks like it could be two mums one kid. But we are happy with that.

Something feels right this time, but who knows whether I can trust my feelings.

I'm just keeping all my fingers and toes crossed.

Feel free to cross things or wish on things or pray for things for us. Or not, as you like.

Hope you are all well. X