Saturday, 27 July 2013

Getting to grips with emotions.


Sorry it's been a while.  I've been a bit pooped and deflated in some ways, and then a bit happy and enjoying the sunshine in other ways, a combination which did not lend itself to blogging!

Things are good.  The deflation comes from a number of sources...we still don't have a court date for the adoption hearing.  It's been weeks and weeks now which means it is very unlikely we will be jetting off, to somewhere where I can sit in the sunshine and Squiblet can swim and splash, this year.  Someone said "well, you have your whole lives to do that!" And I found that rather irritating because, whilst that comment is clearly a massive untruth in the first place (presumably at some point she won't want to come on hols with her tiny mums) but secondly, it would be nice if it was our choice, rather than the choice of someone else, whether we decide to go on holiday now or at some point in the rest of our lives....sigh.  Still we have been frequenting the jolly outdoor swimming pool, drinking Pimms and eating smelly cheese in a bid to convince ourselves that we sort of are on holiday.  

Currently we are at Grandma and Grandad's house as we decided that a bit of Grandma and Grandad tlc wouldn't be a bad thing all round.  Yesterday we had a marvellous time with Squiblet in Maldon.  They have this amazing splash park thing and she really wanted to go in.  I was fully expecting her to just splash round the edges and watch the others but figured as she wanted to, we may as well pay our £2 and give it a bash.  She absolutely loved it!  We stripped her down to her nappy and she scamped about getting her and Mama completely soaked through, all the time shrieking and squealing with delight!  I was thrilled.  I love the little "child focused" button which goes off in my head when my sensible adult brain says no, and the little button reminds me to say yes, as without that button such jollity wouldn't have happened.  So that was a small 1/2 hour snippet of what a holiday could be like!  I suspect we might end off heading to somewhere like Center Parcs where we can do fun swimming and scamping and have a jolly old time.

Another reason why we were feeling a bit downhearted is that we have spoken to Squiblet's sibling's foster carer, prior to meeting with Squiblet's siblings and it turns out that the level of violence, abuse and neglect in that house was just so much more than we were ever told about.  Squiblet was removed so early it doesn't affect her directly but it makes me feel so cross that they kept these things back.  I have always painted Squiblet's birth mum as a sorry old soul who the world let down, which I think still holds true, but I think there was much more to it than that, meaning that we are going to have to think carefully about what we say to Squiblet in the future...bearing in mind that she remembers everything!

Lately I have been struggling a bit with Squiblet's behaviour where she does something which is a bit, what I call, "pickleish" like drawing on her clothes on purpose.  Not terrible, completely salvageable but a wilful act of pickling (hurrah, a small part of my head says...she is pushing boundaries, she is settled).  So I will tackle her on it, hold her hand, stick my face in her face and calmly explain that that's not good behaviour and explain why.  I get her to say sorry and then give her a big cuddle and tell her I love her.  She then becomes hysterical and completely inconsolable that she has done something wrong and it takes ages to calm her down.  It's so bad that it makes you want to ignore any poor behaviour but I know that's making a rod for my own back and you can't just ignore things!  She's very hot on what she calls "not good ahaviour" - I think it's really funny as I'm always trying to label the behaviour not the child - but she will do things, like shake her water bottle and then shake her head and say "no...not good ahaviour" and stop! She says it to other children too, and obviously finds it difficult that some children have different rules and boundaries to her own.  Which is a very difficult thing to explain to an adult, let alone a two year old!  I've just been trying to reinforce that people can be lovely people without necessarily having "good ahaviour", for example her birth brother has some serious attachment problems and really good behaviour considering, but he is a bit of a live wire and finds it tricky to sit down.  This came out the other night when she was lying in her cot "worried, Mummy" she said and pulled a cute worried face like the Worried William on her feelings mitten "Sam bashed his knife and fork...on a a table" she said and I tried to explain the above but I'm not sure how well I managed as she is still talking about it.

I'm quite confused about all her crazy mess of feelings at the moment so god only knows how she feels!  Is she really worried?  It seems like it!  Is she really feeling guilt and remorse when she does something wrong?  It certainly looks like it...but she's two!  It seems quite unlikely...?!

The emotional energy it takes me not to sit in a corner and cry when she's going through a...

Do something pickley
Wait to be told not to
Cry your eyes out
Be comforted for ages
And repeat until nap time 

...cycle is just quite immense.  After that little episode I had to have a lie down!  I should stress that this isn't happening all the time!  Not even once a day really so who am I to complain?!

So that's us.  I have a sun tan...I never have a sun tan...I'm a committed outdoor parent!  I'm still wondering about what will happen with my career...I need to stop worrying!  Squiblet's on her fourth pair of shoes (size 7) in 6 months!  Ridiculous!

It's all go!

Hope you are all well and enjoying the sunshine.  Xx


  1. We are having the same issues with our two year old. She has started to cry and have tantrums once she has been told off. Def know the feeling of wanting to sit down and cry!! Hard to know the best way of handling it.

  2. I have had the tantrums and crying with other children I've cared for, but my son, who is also two, rarely responds at all to being told off. Honestly I think this is even worse as it's like he just doesn't care! All he does is roll his eyes to avoid eye contact and then runs off playing or starts talking about playing the moment I pause for breath or let go of his hand. Seriously, I wouldn't mind a bit of crying every now and then!

  3. mmmm I think I would find that harder.. I'll try and remember what you have said next time my two year old is having a tantrum.

  4. It's so exhausting knowing how you should respond to a behaviour but not wanting to deal with the fall out! When Jonathan is given an time out or if I raise my voice (or touch him while doing so - big no no) he has these anxious little tics - licking the back of his hand quickly, squinting one eye...that come out and I feel terrible as he obviously feels insecure but has no words for it.
    Keep at it, it's tiring but you are strong and you've got this! Your reassurance in your love for her after tellingn her no will go a long way in helping her cope. Goodluck!

  5. I'm also finding my daughter's behaviour challenging at the moment (she's 3). I think for her it's a combination of frustration, heat and age. It's hard to know what to do for the best, but I'm pulling out all my therapeutic parenting skills whilst being firm on boundaries...(and once she's gone to bed I rock gently in a corner) Hope it improves soon and you feel more comfortable about things.

    Thanks for linking up to #WASO x