For the first time since the 11th January, something strange happened today. I had a rare moment of calm, sitting in our garden, and I think all that has happened over the past 4 months finally began to process fully. I was looking from the Little Tikes toddler cube (which she couldn't even stand in, let alone climb on, four months ago) to the climbing frame fort complete with rock wall which she can now climb on her own, and then an aeroplane flew overhead and I felt like I was in some sort of a film montage summing up her progress over the last few months. I welled up a bit....and then the moment was lost by cries of "Mummy...come in!" And so I got the iPad and thought...I'd better write this down, it seems significant!
So Squiblet is watching "I can cook" with Mama and here I am, blogging in the garden in the sunshine.
I feel like a real Mummy now and it's sort of empowering. I feel less like a novice who needs to soak up advice, less like someone finding her way, and more confident. I know my child. I'm educated, I'm well read, I know my stuff. I have the confidence (with Mama) to parent her the way I want to. I don't always feel like this! I think the sunshine is helping. And the fact that Squiblet and I have been running around the garden blowing bubbles which floated higher than the house...again, a bit like a film. It's been quite a dreamy day!
Squiblet is processing more about her past now. I tell it to her like a story:
"So you came out of a lady called xx's tummy when you were a baby Squiblet and you lived with xx and xy and your brother and sister, but xx wasn't able to look after you. She couldn't give you all the love, and cuddles, and safe place that you needed so you went to live with your foster family. They gave you everything you needed but they couldn't look after you forever, so they had to look for Mummy and Mama. Mummy and Mama can love you forever and ever, and give you the food you need and the cuddles you need and a nice comfy cot so that you can grow into the wonderful little girl you are now!" And that's how I tell it. Over and over. And she talks about it now, and engages with it. She's missing the foster carer's daughter. She thinks any picture of a young woman is her, and any young woman is her, and says "miss...blah" and I say, "yes, and what do you remember about blah? Is it her cuddles and tickles!" And Squiblet solemnly says "yes, cuddle me, tickle me" and I think that's ok. She's thinking about them more but she's happy and still her usual chipper self, so I can only assume that talking about it is a positive thing.
Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine :)