A laughably disordered day!

Hello,

Wow.  I'm earning my Mummy stripes by the day at the moment.  Yesterday we had a wonderful afternoon of messy play and making oat and raisin cookies.  Squiblet was in her Fun Pod grabbing hands full of the mixture and slapping them on the tray shouting "plop!" and "eat it!"  Then it all went horribly wrong in the evening because (in the words of Dr Ranj of Cbeebies hit show Get Well Soon), Squiblet has a bug in her wee.  Now, my cleavage has seen its fair share of random things being dropped down it...such is the way of being a rather clumsy F cup...but never before has it been filled with a whole days worth of child vomit.  It was so hideous that after I had undressed a vomit soaked Squiblet and placed her onto her nice clean Mama, I looked down and laughed out loud.  I don't think in all my worries about parenting I ever expected to be picking partially digested satsuma out of my bra!

So today we headed off to the doctor as Squiblet has been crying when she wees, and this, combined with the vomiting and fever, led me to think that she had a UTI (bug in her wee).  The triage nurse called me at 9.00 to offer me an appointment at 9.40 and could I bring a urine sample.  This gave me approximately 30 minutes to feed, dress, clean teeth and catch the urine of my poorly two year old.  There were tears.  My tears.  Her tears.  I'm a bit sickly and a bit tired and having woken up at 5.30 and got up at 6.15, this was just ALL TOO MUCH!  Catching the urine of a non potty trained toddler is tricky at the best of times but with a 30 minute time limit I just couldn't handle the stress.  "Mummy crying...Mummy sad?" Then she rubbed my back.  Heartbreaking.  I told her I wasn't sad but that I was tired and feeling a bit poorly and it was all just a bit much.  Anyway somehow my tears were enough to make her wee!  Somehow my woe guilted her into performing in a spectacular fashion on the potty.  Much to her own surprise I think.

So...in 30 minutes we did all of the above and I even managed to clean my own teeth and get her snack ready.  If it wasn't for the weeping I would have felt pretty proud of myself.  We charged down the road and into the doctors as the clock struck 9.40.  Wahoo!  Where was my glass of champagne, bunch of flowers and cheering crowd?  A table with an incredibly small amount of Duplo and some teenage girl fiction books about ponies would have to suffice.  To be fair, I would have been happy with the doctor appearing at 9.40 instead of a cheering crowd.  Instead...we waited...until 11.10....yes 1 1/2 hours...with a 2 year old...in a really hot waiting room with nothing but an incredibly small amount of Duplo and some teenage girl fiction books about ponies for company.  Squiblet was marvellous.  She kept me entertained saying things like "lady...stick...help her walk" and when a man came in hopping on one leg she said "man...jumping...kangarooooo!"  "people...not smiling at Squiblet".  And then...when we finally got to see the doctor, she had run out of urine dipsticks and nonchalantly said "oh well...it won't affect my diagnosis anyway!"  Erm...YOU F*CKING WHAT?!  Do you not realise the blood, sweat and tears it took me to get that wee...proudly presented to you in a hummus pot (in a truly middle class fashion).  So she said she would send it off to the lab and packed me off with some antibiotics, calpol and calprofen.

What are the ethics of whether or not to pick up all the raisins your child drops on the floor?  Somehow it seems like littering but today I was in no mood to pick up raisins!

She napped from 1-4 as poorly girls do and then we snuggled up and watched Room on The Broom which Mama and I recorded at Christmas pre-Squiblet's arrival.  So the day ended well!

I'm perky again now.  I just felt very stressed and out of control this morning.  I couldn't really cope with having to dash out of the door and leave the house in a complete state.  I should get over myself really.  The flowers arrived when Mama got home!  What a nice surprise.  I'm so glad I have a co-parent who values what I do, and that I value what she does and we don't have a terrible time understanding each other.  I downloaded a book on my Kindle and happened to pick one about a woman who is a disenchanted Mum who starts having an affair.  There are far too many nobs in the story for my liking but it's the sort of trashy novel I quite like...and it makes me feel very lucky not to have a partner who sits on their arse and doesn't understand, care, or even want to understand.

Squiblet made me laugh yesterday because I coughed and over the baby monitor a little voice said "cough it up chicken Mummy!"  I love that kid!  :)

Poxy poxy pox

Hello,

So I'm not quite feeling like a super mum at the moment.  Squiblet has The Pox and though she is chipper she is covered in spots and not sleeping too well....which means I have reached a new level of fatigue and am feeling like a real parent again instead of a parent from an advert for gravy powder or some such.

But first I will share a positive.  A massive shiny, sparkly gem of a memory.  Swimming on Tuesday and she swam under water like a little fish and came up with a massive grin on her face.  Her swimming teacher took her hands to help her swim with her woggle and said to me "see how I'm not even holding her?  She's doing it on her own!" I usually hold on for dear life for fear of her sinking like a stone and hating swimming (and me) for ever and ever!  So I need to man up and let the girl swim!  So exciting.  I've just bought her a float so we can keep on swimming even in the holidays when all her clubs and classes are cancelled. I love love love her swimming lessons now where I used to sort of dread them a bit!  So much fun...although we won't be able to go next week because of the dreaded pox :(

Being trapped at home is not much fun.  But I'm just so tired!  I still need to go and get blood tested that I'm not horribly anaemic...but there's no time!  When I'm tired like this everything just seems a whole lot less fun and I feel horribly on the edge of tears all the time!  And it's ridiculous because Mama has been off work the last 3 days as we had our Aunt visiting from America so I haven't really had to do much at all.  But I think it's the teacher thing that you keep going and going and then when you stop you crash and burn!  That and the middle of the night waking and 5.30 mornings!  Poof!  I really hate not being at my peak!

I've been campaigning our local council to improve our local park.  It's what Mama calls being a Pillock of the Community.  But we live in this fantastic affluent place and our park is just so rubbish!  The climbing frame is downright dangerous and there's one of those ride on horse things from the 1950s!  It's pretty bleak.  Anyway, I allowed myself to be patronised and condescended to..."the teenagers break everything...it only takes one..." until I pointed out that in fact all of the play equipment was still in the park and had clearly managed not to be destroyed by evil teenagers...even if they did graffiti on it a bit...with chalk (not exactly hard crime).  I think my message got through.  I'm aiming for a toddler climbing frame, fitness trail and teenager area....you can but try!

I think I need to start taking a bit more time out from being a crazy full on parent.  I might have to arrange a night out with a friend or something.  The thing is, up until now I was feeling pretty tickety boo and it's just crept up on me.  It makes me feel bad...like somehow it means that I feel like I don't want to be a Mummy...which is just downright ridiculous but I can't help feeling it sometimes and feeling a bit like I wish I could just fly away and lie down in some sunshine on my own!  But I don't mean that...or do I?!  I would miss Mama and Squiblet so much if I didn't see them for a day, let alone a week, and it's completely unrealistic anyway.  But there we are.  Guilt.  Pile on the Mummy guilt!  It will (hopefully) all go away once I've actually slept for a whole night!

I guess the whole money thing is getting a bit scary too.  The running tap that was my pay cheque is now dripping ominously ready to stop soon and we need to stop spending and start scrimping!  I've been buying toys and things in the summer sales ready for Christmas which on some level seems sensible but on another level seems scary!  Eurgh.  I'm scared!  I'm scared because I want to go on holiday in September and I don't know if we should spend our savings!  I'm scared because I like buying things!  I'm scared because it's me who isn't earning and I feel bad about that.  I'm scared when I buy things.  It's all just a bit terrifying.  We had got so used to buying what we want when we want and we are both very clear...her preschool years are more important to us than buying things are...but equally I feel like I'm going a bit mad and could really use someone to cook for me while I lie in the sunshine!  Sorry.  I appreciate that this is a most middle class and ridiculous money whinge.  We aren't counting our pennies before we can eat and we aren't scared about how we will afford nappies...nothing like that so feel free to say "ffs...shut up woman" but I do like to be honest on my blog!  So this is me...being honest...and being a bit tired and a bit scared.

So take care everyone.  Things will be brighter as soon as I've slept properly, I'm sure!

Much love  xx

"Cuddle Mummy in the Rain"

This is what Squiblet said this afternoon and we went outside and danced around under her new umbrella.  It was one of those memories that I want to pickle and preserve for ever and ever!  All we needed was music playing and I would have felt like I was in some sort of cheesy film!

This week's WASO is about friends and I thought instead of my usual reams of text I'd go for a more concise approach.  People said that once we had a child all our friends would change.  Rubbish.  Clearly our friends were all keepers.  We have lots of wonderful new friends.  A fantastic mixture of friends with all kinds of experiences and careers and knowledge which means that Squiblet is so lucky because when she gets older she will have all this advice and love and diversity all around her.  I feel very lucky to have such a massive cushion of people who so genuinely care about us all...so this post is for you!

Thank you

I am your parent and they say I should not really be your friend
But you cheer me up when I'm sad, you listen and you love.
Thank you for being a friend.

I am your wife, your civil partner and have almost always been your friend
You listen, you cuddle, you're strong, you never judge, you are always.
Thank you for being a friend.

I am your friend and you have known me since I was a child
You travel for miles to see us, you offer your words and your care.
Thank you for being a friend.

I am your friend and we grew up and became adults together
You take your friendship duties seriously, you are practical and funny and you always listen.
Thank you for being a friend.

You are my family, your love and care made me who I am
You offer us time and rest and not too much advice, you listen and you don't judge.
Thank you for being a friend.

You are the people I met on this crazy old adoption journey
You understand, you are strong, you are funny and wise and you turn a crisis into a laugh.
Thank you for being a friend.

You are the friend round the corner who meets up for cups of tea and a chat
You listen and play and say all the right things and keep me updated on gossip.
Thank you for being a friend.

You are the people who came when I was finding my way and learning how to be a Mummy
The people who brought flowers and told me I was doing a good job when I felt like I wasn't.
Thank you for being a friend.

You are the caring social worker who has offered us advice and felt like a friend
It's not your job to be a friend but thank you.
Thank you for feeling like a friend.

Thank you


Sorry if that was cheesy!  I've not dipped my toe into any sort of poetry since I was at school.  It feels quite nice to be able to shape words again instead of just rambling on.

Love to everyone. x

Warm fuzzy glows and "how to respond to that...?!"

Hello,

I'll start with the warm fuzzy glows.  Even just thinking back to last weekend makes me feel all cosy and warm like I've just downed a mug of hot chocolate (but slightly less bloating).  I can't quite remember if I've ever blogged about the New Family Social AGM back in 2011 where our adoption journey really started.  We were both 27 at the time, and biding our time.  What we saw there were confident, gorgeous (in an emotional sense) happy families and we felt all amorous and warm and fuzzy.  We were filled with the confidence that we could do this thing!  Our relationship was strong, we had just moved to an area where we felt like we could bring up a happy family and the warm fuzzy glow was all we needed to get us going...and here we are!

So we have wanted to start a more local to us branch of NFS but have been a bit short on members...until now!  On Saturday 6 couples (one + child) all met up at our local zoo.  We picnicked in the sunshine and the warm fuzzy feelings came flooding back!  There's something really nice about just feeling normal.  Something really settling about there being people down the road who are the same kind of normal that we are.  I could see that us being there with our little girl was having the same kind of positive effect on the couples there who were going through the approval process and hoped that it would be boosting their confidence in the same way the NFS folk boosted ours.  It's great to think that when Squiblet gets a bit older she will be able to tap into this fantastic group of people.  And they really are!  Such a wonderful mix of ethnicities, careers and life experience.  It makes me feel great to think that these people are part of our local support, a bit like our own NCT, but without the middle class filters.  It was great!  And we are hoping to book up regular meetings so it will be really cool to see everyone's adoption journeys coming along and watch their families grow.  Does that sound patronising?!  Probably.  I don't mean it to be!

So...the "how do I respond to that?!" part of my post.  Living in the middle class bubble that we do, Squiblet's name is more unusual than it might be elsewhere.  We, however, think it's awesome.  It's quite an American popstar name (a bit like Brandy or Candi!), all the teenage girls I teach thought it was very cool and it was chosen by her birth father, so we kept it.  It suits her, it's short and funky and bubbly.  We like it!  But all the time I get "what an unusual name!" "that's such a pretty name" which is middle class code for "that's weird, why isn't she called Cassie or Florence or Amelie...you do realise where you live don't you?!" A few times I've told the truth...but I feel a bit uncomfortable about that.  A bit like if someone says "what a nice green bathroom you have" (code for..."eurgh, what a hideous green bathroom you have") and you say "yes, it was here when we moved in"...making an excuse for it.  I don't want her name to be a green bathroom!  In this metaphor, I like green bathrooms...I'm getting carried away here.  Anyway, I have discussed the issue with my friends and the ever wise Mama bear and we have decided to go with "yes, we think it suits her".  End of.  It's her truth to tell, after all.  I've told enough people that she is adopted that they aren't wondering why some random has suddenly rocked up at the local toddler group with a 2 year old.  I think it's time I stopped!  People also often ask "why did her mother give her up?"  To me it's quite alarming that people still commonly have this conception of there being hundreds of relinquished babies...don't they read the news?  But what do I say to that one.  Usually something like "she was taken into care because her birth family couldn't care for her".  This is usually sufficiently vague that people don't probe further.  What do they want?  Messy details?  I don't go around asking people if they pooed when they gave birth or if they had to have stitches do I?  There are some messy details best kept private...surely!  And the last "how do I respond to that?" is the "wow, weren't you guys lucky to get her and not....[a hideous dysfunctional damaged child?]".  I mean, really?!  What do I say to that?!  I say "yes!  She's wonderful, and isn't she doing well!"  End.  I know what people mean.  Sort of.  We are lucky.  She is wonderful and clever and kind and funny and fits us perfectly.  We are so lucky.  It's the "and not..." part that I don't like.  Like somehow children from the care system are damaged and scary and you wouldn't want one in your house.  It's the way it implies that she was some sort of pot luck commodity when in reality she's a person, albeit a small one, but a living, growing person and it just seems a bit callous to talk about her like that.  Somehow it makes me feel like if she doesn't behave well people will think "ooh, I bet they regret bringing that into their house" in a way that people just don't think about birth children.  None of the above make me angry; I'm generally pretty placid and none of it is malicious.  Indeed, I think much of it is people thinking they are being kind, or just making conversation. But I do spend a lot of time analysing my own responses to these things, as I know it's something I'll have to talk to Squiblet about when she gets older, so that she has the confidence to answer these strange and vacuous questions without compulsive truth telling (like her mother!) or lies (which would make her past seem like a dirty secret).

We've had Squiblet for 1/5 of her life now.  In cake terms, that's a massive piece!  Hurrah.

And hurrah for the launch of The Adoption Social...and well done to the team behind it who have been working hard for ages for all our benefit.

Enjoy the weekend everyone...and happy Father's Day!  [Squiblet has merrily made three cards for her grandads]

Taking it all in

For the first time since the 11th January, something strange happened today. I had a rare moment of calm, sitting in our garden, and I think all that has happened over the past 4 months finally began to process fully. I was looking from the Little Tikes toddler cube (which she couldn't even stand in, let alone climb on, four months ago) to the climbing frame fort complete with rock wall which she can now climb on her own, and then an aeroplane flew overhead and I felt like I was in some sort of a film montage summing up her progress over the last few months.  I welled up a bit....and then the moment was lost by cries of "Mummy...come in!" And so I got the iPad and thought...I'd better write this down, it seems significant!

So Squiblet is watching "I can cook" with Mama and here I am, blogging in the garden in the sunshine.

I feel like a real Mummy now and it's sort of empowering.  I feel less like a novice who needs to soak up advice, less like someone finding her way, and more confident.  I know my child.  I'm educated, I'm well read, I know my stuff.  I have the confidence (with Mama) to parent her the way I want to. I don't always feel like this!  I think the sunshine is helping.  And the fact that Squiblet and I have been running around the garden blowing bubbles which floated higher than the house...again, a bit like a film.  It's been quite a dreamy day!  

Squiblet is processing more about her past now.  I tell it to her like a story:

"So you came out of a lady called xx's tummy when you were a baby Squiblet and you lived with xx and xy and your brother and sister, but xx wasn't able to look after you.  She couldn't give you all the love, and cuddles, and safe place that you needed so you went to live with your foster family.  They gave you everything you needed but they couldn't look after you forever, so they had to look for Mummy and Mama.  Mummy and Mama can love you forever and ever, and give you the food you need and the cuddles you need and a nice comfy cot so that you can grow into the wonderful little girl you are now!" And that's how I tell it.  Over and over. And she talks about it now, and engages with it.  She's missing the foster carer's daughter.  She thinks any picture of a young woman is her, and any young woman is her, and says "miss...blah" and I say, "yes, and what do you remember about blah? Is it her cuddles and tickles!" And Squiblet solemnly says "yes, cuddle me, tickle me" and I think that's ok.  She's thinking about them more but she's happy and still her usual chipper self, so I can only assume that talking about it is a positive thing.

Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine :)

Treasured moments (for WASO)

Hello,

I was going to write about how it's all perked up here again and then the WASO thingy came up and I thought "just the job!" I've been keeping a notebook of treasured moments since Squiblet arrived.  For once I'm going to keep things brief.

• The smile that comes from your eyes and lights up your face when you see me in the morning
• The time we flew a kite and you ran around chasing it when you had only just learned to walk on your own
• Watching the easy way you giggle and laugh when you play with your Mama
• The way you brighten up the world with your cheerful hellos and observations of passers by
• The way you will offer to share your raisins to the spotty teenage boy at the bus stop
• The look of delight when we brought out your birthday cake and you shouted "blow it out!"
• The expression on your face when you tasted ice cream.  It went from shock and almost tears to sheer delight in an instant
• The way you get excited about the world....about snails, airmlanes (aeroplanes), worms, feathers and pigeons
• When you try on a new outfit or new shoes you say "new one, mirror!" 
• The way you can't walk past a flower without saying "smell it"
• The way when you have a chocolate treat you say "Mama some, Mummy some" because you don't want us to be left out
• The wonderful way you embrace our friends as your own
• The way you cuddle people when they are sad or poorly and "rubback" when they cough
• The serious look on your face when you are sticking or painting or making play dough shapes

Well, not very brief! I got a bit carried away!

Happy times!

Wibble wobble...

Hello,

I'm having a wobbly sort of a day and thought writing about it might help!  I also need to give you the lowdown on the birthday party which might cheer me up!  So far I have not managed to work out how to put photos on but I'm working on it!  Says the lady who wants to try and make an app...hmmm....whoops!

So, yes, it came out of nowhere!  I've been on a happy cloud for the past ages, and today I just fell through and came crashing down.  Nothing to do with Squiblet, she's still happy as Larry, but me...well I've been faking it to make it all morning, resulting in louder than usual singing during her swimming lesson and just generally being all rather over the top.  And now it's nap time, so I can finally try and analyse the wobble and sort it out.  I'm quite big on self analysis.  I guess you have to be in order to write about your experiences, but I really don't like it when I'm floored by emotions I didn't really know were there, it seems like an insult to my emotional intelligence.

It could be because the doctor decided that the pill would be a good way to sort out my "lady troubles" (very coy but I don't want to be too graphic!)  Basically pre Squiblet I was a two periods a year type of person and they were pretty bad, but manageable twice a year.  Since Squiblet my body has obviously been like "oh...so you can do it after all, I guess I might as well ovulate then!" and has consequently been flooring me with month on month of horror movie style menses.  Is that too much?!  Sorry if you are a friend who didn't want to know, or just generally squeamish.  Anyway, my point is that I wonder if this might be making me more than usually emotional, and consequently I think I'm going to stop taking it and think about a plan b.  It could be because I'm pooped from a party filled weekend, and I think it probably is a bit.  But I think a big part of what I'm feeling is to do with all the lovely things people have been saying lately.  We have seen Squiblet's doctor and social worker and health visitor in the past week and they have all been so kind.  I put most of Squiblet's progress down to her just being awesome, and when people tell me and Mama that we are doing a good job, it makes me worry that I'm not.  How ridiculous of me, I know.  But it's that thing where people put you on a pedestal and then you worry that you will fall off.  If you're not on a pedestal in the first place, it's much less painful and dramatic when you fall over.  Does that make sense?  Am I just being ludicrous in my thoughts?  Well, yes, I think so, but then I think that's sort of the Mummy way, isn't it?  But for all the reading we have done and all the conversations we have about Squiblet's parenting and all we do, I still worry that we are not doing enough.  Her weight centile is now slightly higher than her height so I was worried about that.  But then the stupid thing says she has shrunk since 2 months ago, and now she is two she is weighed with a nappy and all her clothes on which I guess could account for a lot.  I do feed her a lot but she is literally scamping about all day, and what I feed her is healthy stuff, because I think healthy eating is important.  I do need to do something about the fact that she prefers juice to water because that's what she had with her foster carer, but I'm getting there with that.  I don't know.  I think that however nice these people are they make you feel paranoid that you are doing something wrong.

So enough of my public wobble.  I'll go away and privately wobble a bit more.  How about I try and cheer us all up with some birthday party tales?!  It was great.  So much fun!  Luckily the sun was shining so the little ones just scamped inside and out playing with all of Squiblet's toys.  She was so happy, excited about all her presents and her little face when she saw her birthday cake was pure magic.  We went to a big food festival the next day, and there were crowds and there was loud music and things and Squiblet took it all in her stride, happily dancing to the band and tasting bits of sausage.  She even went on a merry go round on her own!  It was all such massive progress from the shy little thing who joined us in January and it made me feel really proud of her and so happy to see her enjoying life and enjoying the life that we had planned for her, and the life that we enjoy too.

Take care everyone, I'm sure I'll steady up soon enough! x