Well what a mad couple of days. I had my biggest melt down today. I burst into uncontrollable tears and had to shut myself away while my other half picked up the pieces. It was only for ten minutes but it made me feel really shocking as I felt like I couldn't cope and couldn't do this and wasn't good enough. I think I'm ok now. The cause of my melt down was her melt down during our swimming lesson. She howled and howled and screamed and howled. I think part of the problem was that my other half was watching in the safe and dry, and though she attempted to hide behind the changing room curtain, she could still be spotted by our little one (eyes of a hawk, that one). We eventually took her out of the pool and played with toys on the side and she wasn't happy until she was cuddling Mama (not me) in the dry so she wrestled me off to get to safe, dry, Mama and this was the main cause of my tears. I'm used to being her safe and warm and to have her scrabbling and desperate to get away from me, and unable to help her settle, made me feel like a ridiculous imposter mother and all the times over the past two weeks where I've totally felt like her mummy, just melted away into a big puddle of sad. I felt sad too at her fear of the water, as I watched the other children happily splashing and playing, I felt desperately sad for her. Sad that we hadn't been there for her for her whole life, that we were just picking up the pieces now, and that, whilst often those pieces seem to be stuck well together, at the moment, the cracks are only painted over and haven't been properly filled. I don't think we scarred her, by the end she was happily playing with toys and splashing mummy in the face! Next week my Dad will hopefully drop us off, and with no cuddly warm Mama on the side, I wonder if she might get on better with enjoying it. We will see.
I'm ok now. She was unsettled by my tears a little bit which made me feel even worse as she shouldn't be loaded with my stupid emotions too. Eurgh. I do feel quite cross with myself. I knew that it was likely to not go very well, but I feel very annoyed that I got so upset. It makes me lack confidence a bit. However, she is now nicely settled for her nap, and was super perky at lunch time so no harm done. I asked her if she enjoyed the swimming and she said yes!
Oh, and a word of advice. Swimming nappies don't actually keep wee in! We went through two pairs of trousers and the car seat cover on the way to swimming. Next week we will be changing at the pool!
But yesterday was a wonderful day, a day of fabulous firsts! We bought her first pair of shoes and she was delightful and cute and she loves them! We got her home and amazingly (magic shoes!) she took her first few unsupported steps. It was a seriously special moment for us! She is outdoing herself and surprising us all and we just can't believe the improvement she has made. All we have done is provide her with activities to encourage her to stand (easel, sand tray, fun pod) and held her hands as she walks around, oh and bought her some new shoes! I think walking outside helps too.
The twins came yesterday and there was merry chaos, but all of her toys became exciting again, when other children wanted to play on them so she spent the evening tearing about the kitchen on her peppa pig push along! They all played very well together and even shared a few kisses, it was very cute and it felt good for us to see our friends again!
And then last night...the strangest and funniest first. As I was giving her her milk and reading her stories before bed, she was wriggling about and seemed to have a tummy ache. I asked if she wanted her potty and she said no (standard toddler answer to any question). We haven't used the potty yet but we have introduced it and talked about it and sat on it a bit. A bit later she said "potty" so Mama went to get it. After more scrabbling and squirming eventually she did a massive poo (sorry if that's tmi). She was very distressed and we had to go and watch it in the toilet and say goodbye to it as we flushed it away. She was so upset! She kept crying and hugging me and saying "poo.....potty....gone....flushed....noisy....poo....water.....gone...flushed...." You get the idea. Even as I tucked her in she said "poo...gone!" before she drifted off. This morning she looked into the toilet and looked up at me with a serious face and said "gone!" I managed to keep a straight face until Mama chipped in with "that's right, he went off to see all his poo friends”.
Last night at dinner I almost choked on my glass of water! She was finishing her petit filous, eating the last spoonful and she held it out to me and said "mummy". I said "is that for me?" and she said yes. I said to her "are you sure, because it's the last spoonful" and she looked very solemn and said "yes". I said "so if mummy eats it, you're not going to say "more"" and again she nodded sagely. So obviously the second I ate it, this little voice piped up with "more!" She is a funny, funny old thing!
So again we have had ups and downs and more and more tears. We are doing lots of cooing and cuddling and snuggling and being calming and kind.
She's great! She's so great! I feel like a stupid head, but when she smiles or cuddles me or is just happily playing, it makes it all better.
Right. Nap time. Must make the most of it and be cuddled by Mama!
Take care. Xx
