Bath time!

For me! 

9 weeks in and tomorrow Mama is taking Squiblet to the library while I stay at home and have a bath! Brilliant! I think an hour to myself and I will be 100% back on form!

Squiblet is still snotty but is getting there. I'm absolutely bowled over by her speech at the moment. She is really getting into her imaginative play. Today she actually played happily for 5 minutes without me there. This is a real breakthrough! I was very excited! It makes me feel like she is getting more and more settled. It's really cute how she narrates what they are doing "'Ouse...party! Slide...up up up...wheeeee!" It's lovely to listen to and really makes me smile. She really is such a sunny little thing! She had her hair cut today and spent most of it grinning at me and saying "chop chop snip" whilst making cutting actions with her hands. She has started making sentences like "George...where are you? He's hiding!" Which I think is pretty blooming impressive for a 22 monther! I'm turning into one of those parents who thinks their child is a genius...oops!


We made a hummingbird cake today...delicious! She loves baking with me! She gets so excited! She was tasting and smelling all the ingredients and she loves to narrate; "pouring, mixing, stirring, eggs...bash, bash...CRACK!...lick...eat!" It's really jolly. We made a mess but we also made a delicious cake and had lots of fun!

Before I go I want to give a shout out to my friends and family. It's been a really hard week and they have all been there in the background with positive texts, words of wisdom, and my parents have been face timing with Squiblet and keeping her amused by taking her on tours of their house! It's been great to have this quietly brilliant and supportive group of people right behind us when we need them.

And a shout out to Mama too, of course! Because we are a "ramily" now! :D

The sun has got his hat on...

Hello all,


The sun has got his hat back on. I'm out from under my cloud. Squiblet is poorly but we have been enjoying lots of cuddles and TV and quiet play and all has been well. I tried out aqua beads as recommended by many jolly creative parenting blogs and they went down very well. She enjoyed playing with them and exploring how they got bigger and bounced and squished and things. And that made me feel like a good mummy again.
I'm glad I have so many friends and lovely parents and a partner to talk to about how I feel. It makes me feel like actually, I am doing a good job despite sometimes when I'm tired, not really feeling like it at all.
It's funny how when they are ill, they still seem to be full of beans but teetering on the edge of chaos. She keeps wandering around saying "poorly, mummy!" Poor old sausage!



So things are slowly returning to normal. I feel like I've got my normal, positive hat on and I'm back to feeling happy and contented with our wonderful new life. Phew! I didn't like being trapped in a cloud!
:)

Under a little cloud

Ooops. I'm under a little cloud again. Yesterday was a good day but now Squiblet has a cold and is generally feeling rotten which means she is being a pickle in the extreme and I'm trying to be caring and sympathetic when she splats weetabix everywhere and spits out her cereal but it's not that easy! I don't feel like much of a super mum. I feel exhausted and massively lacking in patience. It's hard because if she isn't eating because she doesn't feel well, I still have to do something about the fact that she is massively acting up. And today I just couldn't face more of the agro at meal times. 

I just feel too tired to deal with it with the patience I need. I made her sit in her high chair while I cleared it up and I was less sympathetic and gentle when I wiped her face. I think a small part of me wanted her to feel upset because she had upset me, but it's ridiculous because she is not even two and I'm an adult and should stop being such a nob. 

She's just snuggled up and had cuddles and medicine and gone down for her nap. I need to go and have a snooze and try to get rid of this horrible overwhelming tired feeling which means I'm not being the mum I want to be.

Everyone says it's ok to just be "good enough" sometimes and I know I am being "good enough." I'm not usually perfectionist by any means but I hate the part of me which wants her to feel bad when she has thrown food or whatever. I don't want to turn into some kind of nutty punitive parent! 

Still, lunch was fine and we popped over to see my neighbour who is a jolly old soul and cheered me and Squiblet up.  I know she is ill because she is actually sitting still to watch television and not getting up after 5 minutes!  We gave swimming a miss today, partly because I couldn't face the fallout as I wasn't sure she was up to it.

It's all making me feel pretty rubbish although once again, I feel better after a little ramble on here.

I'm sure things will look up soon, and they aren't even that bad with a rational head on, unfortunately I'm lacking that vital piece of mum equipment at the moment. I think my rational head is probably hidden somewhere under my big fluffy duvet...I'm fact...I might have to go and look for it now!X

Things are on the up!

Hello,

Thought I would update anyone concerned that Mama is now loads better. I feel reassured that I can do it on my own if necessary (despite minor exhaustion and craziness) and life is returning to normal.

Squiblet now has a cold but seems to be enjoying the medicine, extra cuddles and jelly which having a cold comes along with.

I'm loving her speech and her creative play at the moment! Grandma (my mum) really kickstarted her pretend play last time she was here and now it's wonderful to watch her playing independently with her happyland and Duplo. It's brilliant. We all had a cuddle the other day and she said "ramily" aka "family!" We all melted a little bit.

I'm still wondering about work in the future. What I could do which would fit in with being the parent I want to be to squiblet. I'm not sure there is an ideal solution. Let me know if you think of one!

We are heading out to Grandma and Grandad's for our first overnight trip in the next few weeks. We have face timed with Grandma and she has shown us the house and the cot so I'm hoping it goes well.  Will let you know.

Love to you all.

Xx

A tough week.

This week has been the hardest by far. I think this morning I cried my first tears of exhaustion. I'm going to have a quick vent to make myself feel better and then I'll move onto some wonderful positives. Mama has norovirus so I'm basically a single parent and boy do I feel for you single parents out there now! Where do you go for help?! I feel like I can't have people round in case they get ill and running the house and looking after Squiblet 7-7 is just pretty exhausting! She's been great though. Lots of smiles and cuddles and just generally being chipper. She's been refusing food and messing about at meal times a bit more lately.  I think it's because our niece (almost 2) was here at the weekend and she wasn't well so she was refusing her food and putting her head on the table...so clearly squiblet thinks that's the way to get cuddles and attention. Eurgh! It's just annoying that it had to happen now when I'm running on empty! Still, my friend with twins says you just put the food out and if they don't eat it, don't beat yourself up about it, just leave them be, and I guess that's what I'll do. But it's not great when she's throwing things on the floor!

So...positives...I promised you positives and there are lots! Her walking is just amazingly brilliant now! She can do it on her own but she lacks the confidence still. I have made a few local mum friends and she has made some friends at play group and that makes me feel better! I was worried that everyone was so cliquey that I would never find a way in! She is climbing climbing frames and whizzing down slides and she is all smiles and giggles (mostly!). Her emotional intelligence is really developing which is wonderful to watch as it is something which I really value. We have been using Todd Parr's emotions book and talking a lot about people feeling sad or grumpy. Now, sometimes when she is being a bit grizzly she smiles at me and says "grumpy". It's like putting a label on her feelings makes them feel better, it's amazing really. Her speech is coming along too. She is putting more words together now and saying please and thank you all the time which makes me smile. She's great. Writing all this positive stuff is making me feel so much better but I still feel so tired I want to cry! We are having some kind of packet risotto for dinner. The packet says "add hot water". I used to be a Veggy box- cook-it-all-from-scratch type of person! It makes me feel a bit sad.

Oop. Sounds like she is waking up. Today really wasn't the day for a 50 minute nap.  I need my 2 hours!

Hope this isn't too negative.

Must go

Xx

Remarkably unremarkable!

Hello chaps.

Sorry for my lack of posts. I guess things have been remarkably unremarkable here so I haven't felt the need to say much.  She's napping at the moment. She is going down for at least 2 hours in the day at the moment.  I think she is just absolutely exhausted from learning to walk. It's nice to have 2 hours in the middle of the day to potter about and settle myself. Yesterday at 4.00 I felt absolutely exhausted! On Mondays my other half gets home late from work (not really late, 5.20 rather than 4.40) but I really feel the difference as it's her crankiest time of day! I wasn't being a terrible mother or anything but I just felt exhausted, like I didn't have the energy to pick her up any more! Physically exhausted!

The article in G3 magazine about lgbt adoption and fostering week is now out. I feel quite proud that someone decided to publish a little bit of my blog. It makes me feel like what I'm writing is worthwhile for more than just me!

I keep wondering about what I will do in a year's time. The half term holiday has made me pensive (has it really been a whole half term (!) off already?! Whether to go back to work, find a different job, remain a full time mum, try and become some sort of mumtrepeneur (!) ...not sure how I would manage that one....hmm. I like to have a plan so I keep pondering it in my head although everyone keeps saying "don't worry about it now, just enjoy your time off" I'm not very good at that! I feel like I won't have the energy for teaching and with all the parents' evenings, reports, homework marking etc etc teaching part time doesn't represent a good work life balance even though the holidays are good. But more than that, teaching just makes you so tired! Some kind of working from home would be good I suppose....or something local.

Hmmm...I ponder and I ponder.

Squiblet is so much more settled now. She really enjoys it when we have visitors, she loves the social interaction and she just seems to enjoy life and have a jolly old time pottering about!

It's glorious sunshine and all the bulbs are popping up in our garden. I've spent the morning playing in the sandpit and pushing my baby on a swing. This time last year we were living in someone else's house whilst ours was knocked down! How life has changed!

Let me know if any of you lovely readers have any suggestions for being a working mum! Or just any toddler amusement suggestions in general!

Much love xx

A bit of a rambling post!

Hello,

Firstly, apologies for the new font and weird format of the blog lately. I've been typing quickly on my iPad in Notes and it's not so easy to format it. At least it's still legible!

What I've been thinking about lately is whether or not our daughter is "just a normal toddler". Some people say that to us and it got me pondering.  I mean...is she? Well on the face of it she's a well behaved little cutie pie who loves people and is incredibly charming and engaging, but then on the other hand she has experienced more losses in her 20 months than I've experienced in my 29 years. Is it surprising that her concept of "gone!" as she so often says with a forlorn look on her face is rather different to the gone which other toddlers understand? We've been trying very hard to manage hellos and goodbyes.  So and so is coming today, she is mummy's friend....so and so is going now, let's say goodbye and wave them off. At nap time we say goodbye to all the things in her room and "see you after my nap!" Is it really surprising that she needs reassurance?  One day the lady she called Mummy disappeared in floods of tears (probably) and a new Mummy appeared, then all the people she had ever known suddenly disappeared too and she was living in a totally different house and having to get to know a completely new set of people. If she's managing to behave like a normal toddler it's a bloody miracle! It's amazing! It's unbelievably unlikely that it could ever be that way and yet it is.  She is happy.  She throws her head back and laughs with such vigour and enthusiasm that tears pop out of her eyes.  She chuckles so hard sometimes it makes her cough! She looks in the mirror and grins at her reflection.  She is proud of her room, proud to take ownership, proud of having her name on the wall above her cot! This little girl has been through more than I ever will, and yet here she is, and here she smiles and here she laughs and most days we just get on with loving and enjoying her but when you stop and think about how absolutely incredible and amazing this little girl is you can't help but be blown away by it all.  

We don't know if it's us, or the work her foster carers did, or just the fact that she is a resilient little sausage, but we will try not to forget that our daughter is not "just like any other toddler", and if she seems that way, it's because of how incredible she is! The fact that she seems ordinary with all she has been through just makes her all the more extraordinary. I love her so much!  I love it when she says "Mummy!" I don't care if she's whining it or shouting it or gleefully smiling at me as she says it, I'm her Mummy! She has a Mummy and a Mama who love her more than they ever realised they would. A Mummy and Mama who lie in bed listening to her breathing and snuffling and talking to herself and think it's the best sound in the world. I love watching her with other people, I love the way she makes friends with our friends and plays with them and is kind to them. I love the way she tickles and strokes our friend's 3 month old baby.  I love the way she insists on walking everywhere, even though it can be super exasperating! I love the way she talks! I just love her!

She had 2 days where she tantrum cried before her naps but she's over that now. That was hard. I wasn't quite sure what to do, but on the second day I was so close to a migraine that I thought I would probably vomit on her head if I didn't get out of there and take some pills and within 2 minutes she was quiet. Funny creatures, toddlers! We had a proper stare off yesterday when I was trying to get her to give me her spoon. She was tapping her hand on the table and looking away to avoid my teacher stare! In the end I had to forcibly remove said spoon.  But I love that she is testing boundaries and being a proper toddler. I think it means she is settling really well.

Sorry for a slightly rambling and emotional post. I guess I'm just feeling quite rambling and emotional!

Love to everyone.